My NaNoWriMo creation continued...

Chapter One

I first had that dream four decades ago.  It was so vivid and what I recall most was the embarrassment and shame I felt as the ‘me’ walking into the room where the ‘other me’ had already taken up residence. That I’d actually think I had a place in the life I was getting by in seemed unthinkable to me. And while I was definitely not this lucid about the interpretation of this dream when I first had it (or all the subsequent times I dreamt it over the years), on some level I knew that the ‘door opener’ had to disappear – it was the only way to keep the room dweller, and her secret, safe.

It’s so strange writing about all of this now. I guess on some level, I feel I owe my Self an apology. And on another level – I feel my Self owes me one too.

Yes, I built a life on the foundation that I could not please or be appreciated by other people on my own – and I dedicated my abilities to determining what was expected of me in any given situation by any given person, and then exceeding those expectations for recognition, love and respect.  In that way, I disrespected my Self – I really felt that you’d just get in the way of me being who and what I needed to be to succeed in all areas of my life.  I was glad you were shut away and gladder still when you didn’t even try to show yourself anymore.

But you abandoned me too. You let me believe that you alone were not enough. I’ve spent all these years believing that you alone did not have it what takes to make people happy, to impress the world with your abilities, to even have any real abilities. And while you did come to me in the closed door nightmares through the years – you eventually stopped. You went somewhere way underground – and I know you’re in there somewhere, so I can only assume that you’re deep in the silence. And it is you, my Self, that speaks to me when I allow myself to be still.

So, here I sit, writing to my Self – excited at the prospect to finally proclaim I Am, and to truly know what that means, to truly feel the connection and the joy that stems from honesty, awareness, courage, responsibility and truth; rooted in Integrity, strengthened and supported by Love.

I can’t even imagine what someone would say now if they were to stumble upon this Journal unexpectedly and read its contents. Would they wonder at the stability of my Gemini-self – or be inspired by the raw honesty and vulnerability within?

Today I am an Open Book

Today I am an Open Book – the kind you can just pick up and read anywhere. Not the kind that comes with its own lock and key. Not the kind that can only be shared with certain audiences at certain times. A book that can be taken anywhere and knows it’s still a book worth reading even if the person holding it at the time chooses not to think so.

I want to be a book that features a heroine with a vast array of emotions. My heroine will be as strong as she is vulnerable, as courageous as she is cautious, as loving as she is careful and as creative as she is intelligent.

My heroine will include her Self in her own priority list. She will have compassion and generosity of spirit and she will share it with those within her sphere of influence – including her Self.

My heroine’s journey will be populated with all types of people – those who will help her, support her, encourage her, challenge her and love her; giving her the motivation and inner will to maintain the journey with conviction.

She will also meet people who will block her, hurt her, sabotage her, misunderstand her, disrespect her and show no appreciation for her gifts and talents whatsoever. These people will prove to be great gifts in her life – because they’ll force my heroine to dig deep, to find her inner resolve, and to forge forward in spite of the obstacles – resulting in meaningful growth and a true sense of appreciation for the lessons learned along the way.

An Open Book does not try to be all things to all people. It does not try to represent or include an aspect or belief of every person who is going to read its pages. And it does not take someone’s lack of interest or willingness to read its story as a personal statement of its overall quality.

An Open Book can be distinct and unique and wonderful alone – or lined up on a shelf with other distinct, unique and wonderful books.

Today I am an Open Book – real, riveting, complete. Read me if you like, but don’t crack the spine. I hate when people do that.

The Prologue to my NaNoWriMo creation ...

I’ve always feared closed doors.

I’ve never shared this with anyone before. I mean, seriously – how would something like this EVER fit naturally into the flow of conversation? In amongst the ‘real’ fears of life like Spiders or Snakes or Heights or Death … CLOSED DOORS doesn’t really rank. Even a fear of Clowns is more respectable and comprehensible than a closed door for goodness sakes.

It’s safe to write that here though ~ no one is ever going to see it here. And truth be told, between the two of us – you are the one who likely knows exactly why this is such a fear for me. You who seem to have gone underground and hidden yourself so well that even I no longer really remember you at all. And yet, I know you’re in there somewhere – and my belief and trust in this fact alone is enough. For now.

I imagine myself on a therapist’s couch – discussing the whole ‘door’ issue. Therapists mean well, don’t they? It’s just – they’re human … and humans have a propensity to immediately try to catalogue and categorize and sort information upon hearing it. Information has to ‘fit’ somewhere, it has to be processed – even if it has to be squished a little or crushed or wrinkled or re-shaped to fit the compartment its been slotted to.

And from there, beliefs sometimes spring – from which flow thoughts, actions and reactions that forget they birthed from a warped or distorted belief in the first place because the seed was placed in a holder of someone’s choosing rather than the place it truly belonged; in the open, for evaluation and assessment and rejection or acceptance.

I guess I feel I know all the different reasons people will tell me about why I fear closed doors.  “You are afraid of the unknown – you aren’t comfortable entering into anything where you can’t clearly see the outcome in advance.” 

I know that’s not it.  I mean, yeah, for sure there are times when I wish I could see into the future so I’d feel more comfortable with the decisions I make now in the present. But I’m not really afraid to venture into the unknown. On some level, I do understand that the unknown holds vast potential – opportunities I may not be able to imagine on my own but will fully recognize when they show up.

I’m not afraid of stretching my comfort zone and pioneering new territory. Gosh, if I were – I’d never have started writing in this Journal in the first place. I’ve taken to heart the wisdom and advice I’ve discovered in the books I’ve read lately. I’m throwing caution to the wind and have consciously decided that Spirituality is a concept worth pursuing – as confusing and illogical as many of its teachings can be. I’m willing to ‘be still’, to ‘sit in the silence’ and to ‘listen to whatever speaks to me’ while I’m there.

In fact, that’s what got me to this moment in time right now. As I ‘sat in the silence’, trying not to think about how strange I must look, trying to forget that I was really hoping no one would walk into the room and find me there …

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were in here,” they’d say.

“That’s okay”, I’d reply.

“What are you doing?” they’d ask.

“I’m sitting in the quiet. Being still. Listening to hear if anything bubbles up.”

“Oh,” they’d warily respond, “do you want to be alone?”

“That’s probably best,” I’d gratefully whisper, “I tend not to be very quiet when someone else is here.”

… wishing that I had a clue as to what I was doing – I suddenly thought, “I need to buy a Journal and write to my Self.”

The thought surprised me as it seemingly came out of nowhere. I’ve never really seen the point of keeping a Journal or a Diary before – I mean, the purpose of this activity is to document your private thoughts and feelings about aspects of your day, year or life. But to what end? I mean, who are all these people actually writing to?

“They’re not writing to anyone” a friend once told me – “they’re simply putting their thoughts and feelings on paper so they can look at them differently – from the outside, rather than from the turmoil that can sometimes swirl within.”

I’ve never bought into this though – the entire concept is polluted with flaws. For instance, there is always the chance that your Journal or Diary is going to be found by someone. And people being the curious creatures that they are, will likely say something to the effect of, “Hey look – it’s so-and-so’s Diary, let’s see what she’s put in there!”

Knowing this possibility exists – what’s to prevent me from putting what I’d want people to read into my Journal/Diary rather than the whole truth as I feel it exists – because if others read the whole truth as I feel it to be, I’d never recover from the shame and humiliation – and then I’d have to move and start my whole life anew, far away from those who’ve got me pigeon-holed as something else completely, someone I’m really not at all, someone I’m no longer feeling connected to and really tired of supporting and putting energy behind.

The instant I ‘said’ this in my head, I saw the image of a closed door. And I knew that if I ever hoped to move beyond this fear I’ve been carrying for decades – that I’d be best starting with the purchase of a Journal, and that I would be writing to someone specific – someone I’ve neglected for far too long. Someone who speaks to me in the silence and leads me to thoughts and feelings that need to be addressed – but that take me by surprise none-the-less. Someone specific like me – the real me, the one that I really want to get to know, the only one I now truly desire to be.

So here I sit, writing to my Self.  Writing as the ‘me’ everyone thinks I am but who I’m growing weary of because I have been disconnected too long from the ‘me’ that I am now writing to – the ‘me’ whose truths could never be as shameful and humiliating as I’ve somehow believed them to be.

I am writing to my Self – because in a dream long ago, I opened a closed door and saw a distorted version of myself already there, and I mistakenly believed that this distortion was who I really was – and so I quickly stepped back and shut the door again. And I’ve been out there, closed off from the distortion, ever since.

I'm a Writing Buddy, now what?

Like many PNN Community Members - I have engaged in the 'write a novel in 30 days' challenge. This has been good for me, positioning myself in my own mind as a Writer. That alone has been more than worth registering.

I do have a question though - for all of those who have accepted me as their Writing Buddies.

What, exactly, does a Writing Buddy do?

To me, this question comes down to the issue of Support - how would you like it offered to you, how can I help?

My typical style is to empower. I'll encourage, I'll help you see something within your Self that you may have overlooked or missed -- and I tend not to be invasive or intrusive to your process. If you need me, I'm there ... and if you're happy managing things on your own ~ I'm but a beckon away.

Personally, I'm a bit of a Hermit and a Lone Ranger. I've always enjoyed working in isolation and independently. It's why I've chosen to continue working from home on a freelance basis rather than re-integrating back into the workforce now that my children are not as 'needing' of me as they once were.

I love how well some of you are doing so far. You've shot right out of the starter's gate and you're galloping to your destiny. I finally registered words today for the first time. And I've got the lowest word count on my Writing Buddy list ... and I'm okay with that. In this case, I'm not measuring myself against anything ~ I'm so grateful to have gotten to a place where this is even possible.

But I do desire to serve well as a Writing Buddy to others.

So, to all my friends here who are participating in NaNoWriMo 2009 ~ what do you expect from a Writing Buddy?

How might I best serve you? I'd really like to know.

If NaNoWriMo is new to you - details about it can be found by clicking here.

If you're participating in NaNoWriMo and I'm not a Writing Buddy of yours, but you'd like me to be ... I'm writing under the name of Sally_G. (include the period after the G)

Your wish is my command - how can I best support you?