Today, I am an Autumn tree ...

While looking at the world around me, I like to zoom in on certain 'scenes' and look for ways that they parallel my life or 'personal growth' at the time.

I've been participating in Brene Brown's 5 Week Authenticity Workshop - and those of us participating are now in our 5th and final week. The process has been worth every moment of time invested and I've enjoyed learning to make authenticity a daily practice, committing to cultivating emotional courage, nurturing true and honest connection with others and travelling with a whole-hearted beleif that grace, joy and gratitude are all qualities we're entitled to and not rewards randomly passed around at the whim of others.

Based on the comments that have been made over the last 5 weeks via the Comment Boxes ~ this experience has touched us all in different ways, though we seem quite united in our appreciation for the process as a whole.

And as I sit with the question that, for me, always follows experiences like this - as I contemplate the "Wow, that was awesome -- now what?" ... I find myself falling back on my pattern of observing all that is around me in search of something that will mirror back the way I feel.

Today, I have decided that I feel like a tree in Autumn. A deciduous tree that stands in glorious, colourful majesty.

An Autumn tree that is fully aware that its work in the past two seasons is now done and that it has earned the right to be thanked for its past achievements, admired for the radiance and brilliant hues that signal it is time to welcome a new season - one that will require rest and self-nurture and time to prepare for its re-emergence anew in Spring - and accepted for what it now must do to sustain itself and ensure that it is always ready to do what it is on this earth to do.

An Autumn tree doesn't fret and wonder if it's going to be okay with everyone else if it allows the diminishng sunlight and cooler night-time temperatures to change the colour of its leaves.

An Autumn tree doesn't clutch and grasp at its leaves, fearful that letting them gently spiral to the ground is somehow a failure and representative of an inability to master its craft.

An Autumn tree doesn't lament the leaving of birds and creatures who've sheltered and nested within it over the past two seasons - and take their migration and/or hibernation as a personal reflection of its own ability and worth.

An Autumn tree stands majestically in all its wondrous glory - a symbol that time passes, functions change, roots are deep and authentic wonder is simply programmed into its DNA.

An Autumn tree is an Autumn tree no matter who stops to notice it, no matter what comments are made about it, no matter what's going on in the world around it - it is what it is. And it requires no validation, recognition or permission to fully serve its purpose - season after season, storm after storm, sunset after sunset.

Today, I am an Autumn tree. A deciduous Autumn tree with colour and splendour. And as I look around me ~ I see many Autumn trees on my path.

Enjoy the crunch of our leaves beneath your feet as you pass our way ~ they are symbols of past accomplishments that have gotten us where we are today ... and hearing them sound as you walk by is like music to our ears.

As we all head into the season of rest and nurture ~ think about what you might release in gentle spirals in preparation for your re-emergence when the Winter of your personal soul-searching has passed.

And know that whatever you choose requires validation and permission from no one but your Self, because choices that grow from authentic roots always serve the best interests of everyone involved ...

Dare to wish, then - to dream ...

In a comment thread yesterday - I discovered that I may not be alone in my inability to conjure up 'a dream'. This came up in the context of 'what is preventing you from feeling worthy, enough ... authentic.

It's funny how you can go along through life - happy, mastering all that you do, making the most of all circumstances that present themselves to you, maximizing opportunities and spinning challenges ~ and then, suddenly be struck with the realization that a key element to most people's 'success' -- dreams and life goals -- eludes you.

This realization became impossible to deny part-way through the year 2008. It just so happened that I'd read a string of books, quite by 'accident', that all held the key plot line of the main characters overcoming obstacles to achieve their dreams.

And even then, I could rally with the heros and heroines and not fully connect the dots to my own life ~ I am a cheerleader at heart, after all.

This truth became truly impossible to deny after reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. This book is packed with wisdom and truth that we're all quite aware of, they've travelled well through time. But it also was a testament to the power of imagining a possibility, holding that possibility as a vision, and then chanelling focused energy to ensuring that the dreams will materialize as long as effort and awareness are applied.

On the one hand, I loved this book. On the other hand - it left me feeling very sad and empty. Less than, in many ways.

It was not something that could be readily discussed - few understand the fact that you have no dreams. And even in the light of this, you still can't come up with one - not even one - regardless of the effort you put towards it.

My husband spoke to the root issue, as he's so awesome at doing. "You have dreams. Of course you have dreams. Everyone has dreams. Not all dreams are bright and red and shiny with lit up 'look at me' signs so the world takes notice. You've accomplished a lot - you have nothing to feel sad about."

To me - accomplishing a lot and having a dream in your mind's eye are two different things. Though, there is every chance I've let the semantics of language mess with my head and distort something small to a deep issue that has already been given more energy than it's worth.

I learned from this and have for sure moved on -- but the nagging desire to have a dream that invigorates me and allows me to map my days with clear direction still lingers.

So ~ here's my plan for now. Today's post is for all of us to share a wish - and there are no rules for wishing ... make it as extravagant or as simple as you desire - as long as it reflects a true desire.

Leave your wish in the Comment section below ~ and then those of us who read your wish can then right click on your avatar (select 'open in new tab' so you don't leave this page), go to your site page, and send you a private message via the Contact icon with words of support for your wish.

"I honour and respect your wish for _____ this week, and I am sending you my whole-hearted support with this message ... may your wish come true in a way that you recognize, because you are worthy enough for this to be so." (Feel free to copy and paste this message if you're not sure what to write on your own.)

Let's all be Fairy Godmothers and help each other feel that our wishes are not out of the realm of possibility ~ while also allowing us to feel magical with all the caring and support that surrounds us here at pnn.

What do you wish for this week?

Let the magic begin ...

'Lime Tree' makes Top 10 New Novels List!

Earlier this week, Lime Tree Can't Bear Orange was picked as one of ten Best Debut novels for 2009 by Booklist Online!

This is very exciting news for Amanda Smyth (Lime Tree's author), can you even imagine how that might feel? I'm so grateful that she'll actually be joining us here at pnn.com next Sunday for our online book club event!

So on that note, this is your one week until our online Book Club gathering friendly reminder ... next Sunday October 25th (at 11:30am PT / 2:30pm EST / 7:30pm in the U.K.),

Amanda Smyth will be joining Diva and I for a discussion about Lime Tree Can't Bear Orange, here in the live chat room at pnn.com  The link will be posted in advance of the event - and we plan to gather for one hour.

I've listed potential discussion questions below ~ and I invite you to please use the Comments box to leave questions or discussion topics you'd like to see covered during our gathering.

Finally, please feel free to congratulate Amanda in the comments area below ~ this has got to be a very exciting time for her and gosh, how lucky we are that she'll be making time in her schedule to join us in the book's discussion!

Here are potential discussion questions:

Did you like Celia?

Who was your favourite character in the book?

If you were to sum up the way you felt about the book when you finished reading it in one word - what would that one word be? (This is where my friend and I differed.)

How do you think the story actually ends - after we walk away, when the future, for the characters, continues to unfold?

If Celia were to suddenly show up on pnn.com with her story ~ would you feel the same towards her here as you do in the pages of the book?

Who, in the book, do you think would benefit most from participating in the Authenticity Workshop that is presently running here at pnn.com under Brene Brown's leadership?

What do you think the title of the book means - and does it reflect a message contained within the story? (As an aside, the book was originally titled Black Rock - and is called that in some countries. I believe it was changed to Lime Tree Can't Bear Orange here in North America because a corporation had the rights to the name Black Rock already.)

And one last thing: Two fabulous PNN Community Members are vying for the position of Good Mood Blogger at another site. To make it to the second round of applicant consideration - they need to be in the Top 20 with regards to Vote Count.

Please, take a moment to right click on each of their names (and select Open in New Tab so you don't leave this page) and give them a Vote. You don't have to register or leave any sort of personal information to do so. And making it to Round 2 will mean the world to them both. Thank you!!  Writergrrl    Tragicomical/Roberta

Gratitude and Thanks this Thanksgiving ...

It's Thanksgiving in Canada this weekend - a perfect time to reflect upon all for which we're grateful and thankful.

This year, I'm grateful for everyone and every situation that supported me, sustained me, made me laugh out loud, affected me enough to inspire blog posts and journal entries, kept me grounded, reminded me I had wings, awed me to silence and made my heart sing. And I am lucky enough to have an abundance of all of this in my life on an ongoing basis.

I'm also thankful for everyone and every situation that presented as struggle, challenge, hurt, disrespect, confusion, unkindness and strife - for it is here that I learned my greatest lessons, found my greatest strengths, practiced my most desirable traits and qualities, and helped me find my confidence and courage.

While I'm not always happy about it, the Universe always responds to my desires for greater peace, understanding, harmony, health and love in ways other than I'd prefer to receive them. These feelings don't magically manifest within me, allowing me to wake up one morning fully enlightened. That's how I'd like it to happen.

No, instead, someone or some situation will show up - inspiring me to feel the exact opposite of the state I most desire to feel ... thus allowing me, if I so choose, to approach the person or circumstance with my desired state as the end goal -- or to react to it as I generally have, with anger, frustration, withdrawal, etc.

Changing the way I see what is before me - as opportunities to reach my desired way of being - has helped me immensely in life, and is a path I still walk with courage every day.

And for this reason - my challenges, adversities and speedbumps are very high on my list of things for which I'm most thankful. For without them in my life, I would never have seen the underlying perfection of the Universe ... and the wondrous capacity for enlightened living wthin my Self.

We are all 'perfect' you know ~ because whatever we're working through is exactly where we need to be on this ongoing journey of creating ourselves in the grandest version of the greatest vision we're capable of imagining.

This Thanksgivng - I am grateful for you all ... many blessings ...

Lunch with Buddha

Today, I had lunch in the Tea Room of my local Buddha Temple.This was a new experience for me ~ and I loved it.

I was invited by a friend who 'discovered' this Tea Room several years ago. As we sat at our table, sun warming us through the window, I listened in admiration as she said, "I just walked in - I figured I'd spent long enough wondering what it looked like inside."

It had never occurred to me that I could just walk into a Buddha Temple. I mean, wow - to have the courage to just follow an impulse because you desire to know more about something without it ever occurring to you that you don't belong - I can't even imagine what that would feel like! But thank goodness she did.

This temple has majestically graced my 
neighbourhood since 1997. It almost seems out of place, so quiet and beautiful, surrounded by manufacturing plants and office units.

My former Dentist ran his practice in a unit immediately behind this temple. My two children attended a Nursery/Pre-School immediately to its left. More than once I'd looked at it and wondered 'who goes there?', 'what's it like inside?', 'would I feel peace immediately upon entering?'

I was really looking forward to this adventure - I mean, for most ~ lunch in a Tea Room wouldn't rank in the Adventure category ... but Buddhism has intrigued me for years ~ I follow the Dalai Lama on twitter for goodness sake! (And get this - the Dalai Lama also FOLLOWS ME!!)

Imagine enlightening the Self to a place where there is no anger and you truly embody the sentiment that "You can only lose what you cling to." Is it any wonder that I climbed the steps with mounting anticipation and a knowing that I was about to experience something for which I was going to leave feeling really, really grateful?

The Temple was breath-taking. The kindness and respect was palpable - the fact that their doors are always open, the greeting is so warm and genuine, the hospitality so immediate and pure ... I could have just wrapped myself in the powerful wonder and sat there all day.

The Temple itself is beyond words. You must take your shoes off to enter this sacred space. There are mats piled up against the outer walls for people to sit on, anywhere they like, to sit and admire, meditate, pray, whatever. While we were in there, two others were there too.

One was having a very private moment near the front - he stood before the 5 large, gold, Buddha statues, leaned his elbows on the alter and just seemed to be lost in his thoughts.

The other was sitting on a stack of square mats, eyes closed, hands on his thighs - meditating, or simply - being still.

We did not stay in the Temple itself for very long. In fact, it's the very last thing we did before leaving ~ how grateful I am to have been there though. To have sat there, feeling the lovely weight of peace and stillness in the complete absence of Time. I think that might be the best way to describe it -- there was no sense of Time. Nowhere else I felt I needed to be. It was rare - and wonderful.

Before going to the Tea Room, you must first purchase lunch tickets - that's what they call them ... what they look like is 2" x 3" pieces of laminated art.  Lunch is one price - regardless of what you order from the menu. $7 per person. And the menu is Vegetarian.

My friend treated - this day just kept getting better and better.

We were the first customers to arrive - and the welcome was so special and humbling. We chose a table by the window. And we were served by the lovliest man.

We selected a pot of tea from an extensive list of teas I had never heard of. Tangerine. More on this in a bit ~ but if you ever get the chance to experience Tangerine Tea ... do it.

We then placed our meal orders - Noodles and Vegetable Soup ... and believe me, it's not as boring as it sounds. As our waiter was leaving the table, with great embarrassment he told us that because we'd ordered 3 items, we actually needed 3 tickets. To be treated with such respect was refreshing. I immediately jumped up and told him I'd purchase an additional 'lunch ticket' ~ and his appreciation and further discomfort for putting us in this position was incredibly special.

Our 'soup' was the most delicious I've ever had. Fresh noodles, THINLY sliced carrots, bok choy, sesame paste and the most delicious broth I've EVER had in my life .. Heaven in a bowl, no joke.

Chopsticks were delivered with the meal - and my friend launched right in. "Don't worry, you can eat messy here -- the point is to enjoy the food. Bite off the noodles at the point where you've got enough in your mouth."

Again, I admired her. Having only spent two weeks in the Authenticity Workshop with Brene Brown so far -- I simply could not fathom EVER freeing myself to this experience in that way -- and so I ate the noodles and vegetables as best I could with a fork (no knife was present) ... and then ladled up the broth with a really beautiful soup spoon.

And the Tangerine Tea ... I've read poems that speak to Nectar of the Gods ~ and always tried to imagine how exactly that would taste. Today, I found out. I don't think I can state it any better than that.

My friend and I both studied the tea ingredients in the brewing area of the teapot -- and while we recognized the tangerine rinds -- we're not exactly sure what else was in there ... but gosh ~ Heaven in a Teacup.

After lunch, we went upstairs and browsed through their Library. Yes, they lend their books out to the general public and trust that the books will be returned. One wall is dedicated to books printed in English. Fascinating reading is offered in this room.

We then walked through a hallway that serves as a Museum with beautiful idols and paintings and write-ups in a language other than English ... but how grateful I was to even be trusted to browse there, without supervision -- in trust.

And while leaving, I was gifted with two cds -- one on the Core Ideas of Buddhism, the other with topics like The Beauty of Being Natural, Understanding Time, and The Value of Travel.

Two weeks ago, I may not have made time in my day for something like this ... I would have felt guilty because it wasn't 'work', it was not an opportunity to generate income for the family -- in short, it did not fit in the scheme of what I 'should' be doing.

So it is with infinite gratitude and appreciation that I sit here right now, with a candle burning at my right and a glass of red wine sitting at my left ~ having lived an experience I will always remember ... and will very likely - repeat.

Dear nagging little voice inside my head,

Dear nagging, little voice inside my head,

This letter to you is long overdue.

I'm not exactly sure when you chose me as the vessel in which to build your soap box, dedicating your time in a running monologue intended to ensure I don't do anything 'wrong', or 'stupid', or 'out of character'.

I'm not even sure whose 'character' you have decided I must play in this fear-fraught, long-running, drama that you're directing as my life.

More importantly though - why has it not occurred to me until now to even engage with you, to let you know that while you might have served a valid purpose at one time - you no longer do?

You see, your beliefs are out-dated. I'm not entirely sure which version of my Self you have me locked into ~ I've changed lots over the 4.5 decades of my life; I've learned a few things. And in so doing, I now respectfully ask you to relinquish all power and report directly to my inner wisdom as there is more constructive uses for your abilities.

I've learned that risk-taking, in and of itself, is not a scary thing - it is actually a dynamic spark that ignites the moment I'm willing to step outside of my comfort zone and challenge the next aspect of my development to step forth and lift me to greater heights.

Risk-taking without Awareness, without Honesty and without Responsibility - well, that does push risk-taking into the realm of scary. But I don't do that. So, I'm now officially a risk-taker - when it suits me.

I've learned that not having all the answers right away is not a sign of mental impairment. There is nothing wrong with not knowing something - in fact, as crazy as this sounds -- I'm quite excited about finally saying out loud, "I know so little - but what I do know, I know well ~ and what I don't know, I'm capable enough and resourceful enough to find out".

Honestly, ingenuity gaps abound - who DOES know everything? And if I stopped still at knowing the everything that I know ... at which point in my life history would I be rooted as the world passed me by at rapid speed, decreasing my significance with each spin? (Well, it would likely be the 70's if my musical preference is any clue - but that's besides the point. It was actually a rhetorical question.)

I've learned that, when parts of my true Self slipped out - like when I didn't know someone was looking, or spontaneously before thought kicked in - people liked me anyway. In fact, they seemed to like me more ... because it gave them a glimpse into the human being that glowed beneath the carefully constructed surface - you know, that crafted veneer you helped me keep in place with your nagging little reminders in your nagging little voice.

I could go on, but really, what would be the point? When something is over, it's simply over - and debate is non-productive.

I walk with Awareness now - I've been doing so for some time, and I've gotten to the point that I can feel your voice about to speak before you actually do. If I'm capable of that, then I'm capable of ignoring you all together. But that would be rude. And in spite of your many words to the contrary - nothing I have ever said has been motivated by a desire to be rude.

I remain Honest with my Self - and this time, I'm doing it with clear vision, without filters or distortions from the past, but with updated information and awareness. Which means, I no longer have to respond to situations in the way I did before I knew what I know now ... I can choose to respond with all the Power I hold within me, in the moment the experience takes place. Tough concept to wrap your head around, I know -- that rearview mirror is limited in its ability to help you drive my life.

You had to have seen this coming. Every moment of every day that I strengthened mindful, present, awareness living ~ your voice diminished in kind. I see a place for you in my future though - having an inner alarm bell that senses danger from a pure place unpolluted by irrational fear is critical to survival. Letting me know that something just doesn't feel right about a person or venture I'm about to engage with would serve us both rather well.

The job is yours if you're interested. I hope you are - we've been together so long, it would be nice to partner in a more positive way. And I'm someone that's quite fun to be around, on a good day - and best to leave on my own on a not-so-good day, but they are becoming fewer and farther between ... and my efficiency rate is accelerating in the areas of bounce-back and recovery.

Your purpose as it once existed, for me, is done. Thank you for the lessons I could only have learned from your presence in my life - and may your next career as my inner-alarm bell be a rousing, though seldom needed, success.

Namaste ...

What are you reading right now?

Gosh, this week has passed by quickly!  Here it is, Friday afternoon already - and I'm finally about to sit down and read a book that I've been wanting to get to all week.

It's called When Everything Changes, Change Everything and it's written by Neale Donald Walsch. I think it's pretty revelant material in today's times ~ and I always seem to connect immediately with Walsch's books.

I'm also half-way through Lime Trees Can't Bear Orange by Amanda Smyth. We're about to have an online book discussion on this book - and Amanda Smyth will be joining us from Ireland!! I'll post information about that tomorrow.

This book is written in a very friendly style - and I'm quite enjoying it so far.

So - I've lit candles, poured tea into my beautiful PNN mug ... and I'm going to sink myself into When Everything Changes, Change Everything for the 45 minutes or so that are all mine until my daughters get home from school.

What are you reading right now?

Let's hear it for Leigh!!

The world is full of unsung heros and heroines. Men and women who quietly go about the business of making the world we live and operate in a better place in a myriad of different ways.

I came upon two quotes in my email Inbox this morning - and both made me think of one such person: our very own Leigh, President, Heart and Soul of PNN.

I can no longer count the number of times I read words like these in comment boxes throughout this community, "I've been to other social sites/online communities - but never one like this."

Or this, "I've been blogging for some time now and never have I received the response, feedback and support from others as I do here."

I've been here eight months now - and the compassion, the love, the support, the caring, the intelligence, the creativity, the humour, the wisdom, the information -- the all of it - all populating this community in abundance, never ceases to amaze and inspire me.

And it got me to thinking ~ I've never met Leigh ... but if I did, I'd know her in an instant, and I'd feel like I've known her forever -- because for the last 8 months I believe I have. 

I'd bet money that she's created a community in her likeness. With vision and passion she has created an environment in which so many of us now dare to share (where once we may have feared to share), dare to risk (where once we may hve feared to risk), dare to ask (where once we may have feared to ask), and dare to extend support (where once we may have feared to extend ourselves for another).

How many of us now find PNN Girl's Night Outs to be amongst the highlights of each  month? I know I do. Carving out two hours of my month for the nourishment of my spirit has been really good for me.

The laughter, the connections I'm making with so many awesome women, the recognition and support that I can give to those who have inspired or humbled or awed me in the weeks leading up to the event itself. The fact that I can have such a remarkable time in the comfort of my own home -- heavens, I'd pay for that!

And the prizes - they're as beautiful as they are generous, for Leigh sources out local artists and vendors and even allows members of this community to put forth their creations for the exposure it brings. I was nervous putting an Angel Card Reading onto the Prize table earlier this month - what if nobody wanted it? Well, thank goodness I did - reading all the comments leading up to the recipient announcement really helped my own confidence and esteem and I thank you all so much for that.

And let's not forget how excited she was when she found out women on two coasts were planning a PNN 'real life' meet-up. Not only did she 'virutally appear' at these events - but she donated in some way towards each of them.

We're awarded 'coffee mugs' for interacting with each other. I mean, seriously? I can entertain myself for hours in the wit and wisdom of this community, shore up a hurting heart, share expertise and information and walk away inspired, heart-warmed and a better person for having dwelled here AND I get coffee mugs too!

Not to mention the beautiful, blue, ceramic mug we all receive 'for real' when we have left 100 comments on other people's posts. There's not a person here who has not felt moved and excited when their mug arrives. And the fact that it's supporting a Hatian women's charitable organization further speaks to the heart and spirit of the woman who has made this community possible for us all.

I subscribe to many motivational quote sites, and I received one this morning that speaks to 'virtual leadership' ~ it made me think of Leigh:

"Learning how to 'connect' with people remotely and get results from a distance is your key to virtual leadership success.' ~Debra A. Dinnocenzo

This is a real talent - I mean, some online communities have a reputation for being a bit cold, or unfriendly and sometimes - even unsafe. But not this one. And with members from literally all over the world to mingle as we do, to share so openly and caringly as we do -- creating space for all of that is certainly an accomplishment to be proud of.

But what really got me on this I Love Leigh track was the inner work I've been doing as a result of the Brene Brown Authenticity series that's being hosted here on PNN - courtesy of Leigh. It's not as easy as it sounds to take a deep breathe and plunge inside your Self when what you're bound to find may likely nudge, push or outright shove you out of your comfort zone.

And yet, I'm doing it - and I'm doing it publically ... and I'm not alone. So many of you are travelling on this journey with me, taking your own deep plunges, in your own beautiful ways ~ and I truly believe that it is because we feel safe to do so. We feel cared for here, respected, accepted, seen, valued and heard.

Which leads me to the second quote I found in my Inbox this morning. It's from M. Scott Peck:

"Paradoxically, a group of humans becomes healing and converting only after its members have learned to stop trying to heal and convert. Community is a safe place precisely because no one is attempting to heal or convert you, to fix you, to change you. Instead, the members accept you as you are. You are free to be you. And being so free, you are free to discard defenses, masks, disguises; free to seek your own psychological and spiritual health; free to become your whole and holy self.”

And while we all play a critical role in the magnificence we experience here each and every day, it would not have been possible if one woman had not had the vision, the passion, the ability and the love to create a place where we all could gather to be accepted as we are. To be free to be ourselves. To be free to discard defenses, masks, and disguises. Free to seek our own psychological and spiritual health; free to become our whole and/or holy selves - together.

Thank you Leigh. From the very, authentic essence of who I am ... thank you.

Authenticity, the chaos effect and me ...

I extend a very warm welcome, and much gratitude, to all the women who have so far chosen to participate in Brene Brown's 5 Week Authenticity Program. For many, this opportunity seems to have arisen at exactly the right time in our lives ~ and how wonderful it is that we can all share in this experience together.

I printed the Authenticity Statement that Brene generously provided via a pdf link ~ and I've been reading it a lot. For me, it eloquently and succinctly captures the reality I've discovered here in the PNN Community. So many have found their courage to be honest here and have been rewarded with an abundant flow of compassion and wholehearted connection in return.

I love that so many of Brene Brown's Ordinary Courage Blog Followers have also chosen to become PNN Community members - thus enriching the experience even more with the comforting and inspiring support we all share so freely.

And I marvel that so many of us share varying degrees of broken Self. Somewhere along our life paths, we've learned to disassociate ourselves from a niggling Truth that, if acknowledged or spoken out loud - could never be denied.

We've learned to justify and validate people or situations or behaviours in our lives as okay - or maybe we've even taken on the responsibility of shouldering the 'blame' for the upset we feel within - and yet, its presence remains deep within, untalked about, fixatedly unnoticed.

At what cost? And to what end?

For me, hearing or seeing the Truth in and of others is something I can manage with grace and relative degrees of detachment. There is really little anyone could reveal to me that would stop me dead. I am learning to BE the space for others' lives - the stressful, emotional, cluttered mess they can sometimes be - and I can do so without taking responsibility for their pain or rushing into 'fix it mode' on their behalf. To do so robs them of personal growth and denies them the opportunity to impress themselves - again, and again, and again. It has taken me a loooooong time to put this into practice - but to be here has made the journey worthwhile.

But to sit still, in the quiet, and invite my own Truth to rise up and present itself - that's another thing altogether. And I've spent considerable time wondering why.

I suspect my resistance to meeting the true barrier(s) to my own Authenticity likely lies in the Change this Truth may trigger into motion. For a Truth rendered visible from the depths of the Self can be invisible no more.

So ~ what if, through this 5 week journey - I allow myself to discover that I'm not happy, for instance? What if, after all the choices I've made, the gratitude I've expressed, the effort I've expended, the sacrifices I've made -- what if after all that, I discover I'm not happy? What then?

And like the butterfly that flaps its wings in Brazil and sets off a tornado in Texas - what if the realization of a life altering Truth from within me launches the Chaos Theory into motion; where a small or significant variation in my life produces a large variation in the long term behaviour of the system I have spent my life building and dwelling within?

Am I willing to take responsibility for that? Am I capable of taking responsibility for that? Would I ever in a million years face a Truth if it shook the lives of others I cared about?

I don't know. And I guess this, laid bare, is what I'll be striving to find out during this 5 Week Authenticity Adventure with you all. Will I ever get to a place where I hold my own happiness in as esteemed a position as I hold everybody elses.

And I'm thrilled to report that, having written that out loud, my world did not just cave in, nor did I disappear into a black hole. So, all in all, in addition to being surrounded by the most incredible women online ~ I'm also off to a hopeful start ...

Just imagine ...

Dear beautiful people in the PNN Community,

I've been reading a lot of posts this week, and the many comments that follow ~ and I'd like to take a moment to address something.

To a person, all of you, every single dazzling member of this online community within which we find ourselves - regardless of your present life situation and circumstance, regardless of your thoughts and feelings about yourselves at this particular moment in time, regardless of the feedback you may or may not be receiving from those who have the greatest power to lift or hurt you -- every single member of this PNN Community where we have all met and gathered .... is awesome beyond words.

You are stronger than you give yourselves credit for, you are resilient beyond words, you are Compassion in motion.

Your spheres of influence ripple far further than you know. Your support means the world. Your encouragement has changed lives.

Your worries, your fears, your insecurities, your doubts ~ in spite of them all, real or imagined, you are making significant and meaningful differences in the world around you.

Can you even imagine the power of all this wonder, harnessed and focussed, unshackled from debilitating emotions that weigh us down ~ can you even IMAGINE what impact we'd have on the planet as a whole if we were to believe in, trust in and unleash our power and love before this year is done?

I'm doing that now - on this Friday night, after reading all your blog posts and the many comments filled with support and information and love and encouragement ~ I'm imagining how we could all change the world by simply accepting and loving ourselves as we are ... and remaining committed to creating ourselves in the grandest version of the greatest vision that is within our reach.

Join me.

That's all ...

Tonight is Girl's Night Out at PNN!!

UPDATE: It's Girl's Night Out at PNN TONIGHT!!

Here is the link to the chat room, simply click on it and you'll be taken to Event Central. 

Hope to see you all there!

http://pnn.com/chat_events/8-girls-night-out

*Update ends here, initial post follows ...

PNN is hosting its monthly Girl's Night Out TONIGHT at 5:30pm PT / 8:30pm EST. 

(In late July, I created a post that explains what an online Girl's Night Out Event is, how it works and how awesomely welcoming and fun it always proves to be.  Click here to find out more about PNN's Girl's Night Out - and keep in mind that while I've updated the contents to include this event's date and times ... the comments that follow date back to last July.)

Part of the evening is dedicated to giving away great Prizes to various PNN Community Members and the prize recipients are decided by group consensus during the event.

Our very own verby had a GREAT idea after last month's Girl's Night Out ... why doesn't PNN award a prize each month for the Most Supportive Commenter in the community?

"How brilliant", I thought. I've seen members comment that they actively read many blogs over the course of each day and they interact often via the comment threads that follow. For some, this is far more comfortable and meaningful than posting their own blogs for others to read. And for the bloggers who receive the comments and support - these contributions are appreciated more than people often know.

I ran the idea by Leigh ... who also thought it was a marvelous idea. Yay!!  And she told me that a prize would be put aside at this Thursday's Girl's Night Out to be awarded to the person who we all agree served as the Most Supportive and Active Commenter this past month.

So ~let's start the conversation flowing now, shall we? Who would you like to see win Most Supportive Commenter of the Month on Thursday? Not only will you highlight valuable, contributing, compassionate women for all of us to appreciate ~ but guaranteed, you'll make that person's day! Especially if you share why you value their participation.

And feel free to nominate more than one ~ ultimately, the 'winner' for this month will be decided by consensus on Thursday night during the Girl's Night Out event. Please don't be shy to nominate - this isn't a popularity contest -- it's an appreciation and recognition for women who have touched the heart or funny bone of another ~ and a thank you to them for doing so.

I can't wait to read the comments!!

Who defines 'winning' anyway?

America's Got Talent hosted its finale last night ~ eight acts of varying degrees of magnificent talent were whittled down to five, and then - two.

Near the end of the show, two amazing individuals - with a myriad of reasons to feel proud, amazed, overwhelmed and grateful - stood on the stage awaiting America's final verdict on who would receive the $1 million prize and the headline show in Las Vegas: who would win.

I didn't see much of this season - there were too many other shows and activities competing with my interest ~ but I was familiar with the Top 8 finalists ... and with one exception, I felt they all had remarkable talent - and without exception ... they all deserved to feel the joy of pushing their dream to this point in the competition.  Few of them could realistically sustain a headline show in Vegas at this point - but that's okay, because the exposure and the experience of following your heart's passion is a prize in and of itself.

As I watched the closing moments of the show, in the nerve-wracking silence injected between the host's saying, "And the winner of the $1 million prize and the headline act in Last Vegas is" and the point where he FINALLY announces that person's name ... I was struck by a feeling I had while watching Dancing with the Stars last season and also while watching the last season of American Idol.

And that feeling was this: This award is not necessarily going to be gifted to the person with the greatest talent, but to the person who needs it most right now.  And this got me to thinking, who defines 'winning' anyway? And how often do I 'win' from my own perspective while a more common definition of the term sees me come in 2nd, or 5th, or even a distant last?

I guess, for me, the answer can partly be found in the motivation that pushed me to participate in the event in the first place. For instance, a few months ago, I participated in PNN's Writing Contest. I wasn't going to, never once did I feel I would win -- and that's not based on an unawareness of my own talent ... I just knew, and still know, that I do not have the inner drive and passion to 'get the words out of my system' that many of my fellow PNN community members have.

Words flow from me when I feel I have something to share ~ and I am consistently awed and inspired by all of you who can envision entire stories, create outlines, birth characters and invest your lives in the creation of an intimate part of yourself for the benefit of all who read your work.

But I did enter the contest - and I did so to try on different aspects of writing - to see if maybe I had hidden ability that was lying dormant. And to see if a passion would swell up from within once the attempt was made to try. I was also very interested in receiving feedback on the learning I was initiating and who better to do that than other writers?

I did not win, nor did I deserve to - because the submissions I made did not flow easily from me, the whole practice felt stilted and unnatural to me and I was able to confirm that I'm not a Writer in the same league as so many of you ... which then lifted my gratitude and appreciation for dwelling amongst you all that much higher, and who thought THAT would have been possible? In that respect, I did win. Though the number attached to me was 4th.

I have a whole lifetime of similar stories and experiences that support my general feeling that there is a danger in allowing someone else to define the word 'winner' for me. Because in so doing - I am also handing over the controls to a whole swath of other feelings and emotions that should be in no one's control but my own.

Deep inside, I know when I've done my best - and I know when I've hung back or dimmed myself down. I know when the learning the exercise contained has been far greater than the prize that was ultimately awarded -- and I know that regardless of outcome, I will never be the same again for having engaged in the process in the first place ... and what I choose to do with that, is completely up to me.

Susan Boyle performed last night before the winner was announced. Susan Boyle, the phenom that swept the Internet in hours after her first performance on Britain's Got Talent earlier this year. Susan Boyle who came in 2nd. Or did she?

Second place allowed her to check into a hospital and rest. It allowed her time and space to clarify perspective. And it allowed her the balance, the strength and the focus to emerge healthier and wiser - going on to create a cd that will be released in plenty of time for the Christmas buying season.

Achieving 1st place is remarkable and fulfilling. It can also be an exercise in finding your courage and allowing yourself to break free of limitations and expectations others put upon you as a result of your 'win'. And it can also call up every fear, doubt and insecurity you have about being successful and deserving of all you've accomplished, and all you have yet to do.

The winner of PNN's Writing Contest is a winner in all dazzling aspects of the word. She's on the brink of a life change that the Universe is holding in safe keeping until she's fully ready to receive it. And so it is with all our greatest dreams. They're out there, waiting to show up - when we're truly ready to receive them, accept them, embrace them and live them.

There will always be contests, competitions, processes and life situations where measures and people will be put in place to determine who wins. But at the end of the day, the only person really qualified to decide whether or not you are a winner - is you.

Feel peace ...

I believe in you ...

This is a funny time - funny as in 'strange', though laughing is good too.

It seems there are varying manifestations of pain at every turn. People are feeling stuck, or trapped, or lost, or torn, or heavy, or confused, or helpless -- even, hopeless.

I've felt it too ~ which is why I haven't posted in awhile ... I did not feel I had anything to say. I'm still not sure I have any particular wisdom to pass on at this time - but I feel a real need to connect, because there is healing in discovering that you are not alone - that your discomfort or unease or fragment is being experienced by others too ~ it's almost, empowering.

So, from my heart - I tell you this: whatever you're going through right now, wherever you find yourself today and perhaps even tomorrow and the day after that, whatever feelings threaten to overwhelm you and whatever pain you are enduring ~ you are not alone.

This community where we have all somehow found each other is safe. We can be ourselves, we can rant, we can entertain, we can inform ... and we can also grow and share and heal.

Our relative anonymity supports our ability to render ourselves vulnerable - it makes taking the risk of slowly revealing who we are, deep inside, often invisible but always powerful; powerful beyond measure, more powerful than we often allow ourselves to know  ... it makes the risk of discovering and revealing all this, safe to do.

Sometimes we are strong and able to change the course of someone's day (or life) with our compassion and our words. And sometimes, just getting through the day takes every ounce of energy we have.

Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum today -- please go into this weekend knowing that here, if nowhere else - at least here, you are valued, you are worthy, you are appreciated, you are deserving of vibrant shiny health, you are respected and you are loved.

And somewhere in this amazing PNN community - you will find somebody who will leave beautiful words in your comment box, something to the effect of: "I will hold you up, I will help you stand,
I will comfort you when you need a friend - I will be the voice thats calling ... I believe in you".

Or maybe, you'll be the one leaving those words for another.

Blessings to all ... may your weekend be filled with light and kindness ...

When women gather ...

Last night, I had the whirlwind pleasure of hosting PNN's fantastic Girl's Night Out. I've attended the last three, as a guest - and they're truly a blast. This event is open to all PNN Community Members and anyone they'd like to 'bring along'. You enter via a chat room link that is posted prior to the event -- and you just start interacting, laughing, sharing, appreciating ... the experience is awesome.

If you're not sure what a PNN Girl's Night Out is - please click here and read all about it.

So, because it's Summer and people's schedules are locked up with other commitments ~ we decided to combine our PNN Sistah Hood Book Club Gathering with this month's Girl's Night Out. And early yesterday evening, a rather wonderful thing happened ~ the author of the book we had selected for discussion contacted us to say she was sorry she was going to miss the discussion but being in the U.K. - the timing was too late for her.

Wow!! Can you imagine a book club discussion with the book's creator present? I'm thinking it would add a new dimension to the gathering ~ and so, we decided to hold off on the discussion last night and arrange a date and time that could include Amanda Smyth (writer of Lime Trees Can't Bear Orange, an Oprah pick for a great Summer Read, and our very own Diva's pick for the Sistah Hood Book Club).

Details will be published once they're available. I'll be ordering my copy of this book this week ~ if any of you are interested in joining in this event, please do so!!

Hosting this portion of the evening was more than managable. People arrived, a great discussion flowed on aspects of the book that didn't reveal the plot in any way that would spoil it for those of us yet to read it, we sang Happy Birthday to Laurie Boris -- "Yes," I was thinking to myself, "you can do this -- you're keeping it all together and everyone seems to be having a good time!"

And then, a sparkly tornado started to build - more people arrived, the momentum of conversation whirled a little faster, witty comments and mutual support and appreciation for each other began to swell. More people arrived. Reading all the comments that 'spoke' on the screen in real time became an endeavour requiring considerable more focus - I didn't want to miss a thing!

Leigh arrived - with three fantastic announcements and 4 great prizes to be given away.

Announcement #1: PNN has chosen to actively support Dining For Women - a group that empowers women living in extreme poverty by funding programs fostering good health, education, and economic self-sufficiency, and cultivating educational dinner circles inspiring individuals to make a difference through the power of collective giving.

You don't have to spend too much time in the PNN community to feel the generosity of spirit, compassion and support that exists here. PNN's supporting women in this way was exciting news indeed - and Leigh will be sharing more with us in an email in the future.

Announcement #2: Dr. Brene Brown has agreed to lead a series on Authenticity and Personal Growth for PNN members interested in participating. Dr. Brené Brown is a writer, researcher, educator and a member of the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work where she has spent the past ten years studying connection - specifically authenticity, belonging, and shame, and the affect these powerful emotions have on the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.

Again, Leigh will provide more information on this in a community email in the near future - but WOW ... what awesome news!!

Time for Prizes: As the excitement built to record levels and words whipped around the screen at record speeds ~ the time arrived to give away the first two prizes. The way this seems to work is that the prize is 'announced' (and when the hostess gets her act together and figures out the technology - a picture of the prize is actually displayed) - and members nominate a winner from amongst themselves - or from amongst the PNN community at large. Being the lovely, generous and fair individuals that they all are ... whether or not you've won a prize in the recent past plays into the overall decision making.

Prize #1 was a beautiful wood bracelet, hand crafted by a West Coast artist ... and a perfect complement to any outfit in the realm of casual or dressy/casual (is that an actual fashion category? I'm such a newb). It was the gathering's consensus to gift this wonderful bracelet to a PNN Community Member who writes wonderfully supportive comments on other people's blog posts - and who shares parts of her life with heart-felt intimacy in her own writing. Congratulations to PEABEA!!

Prize #2 featured a set of Brilliance Inspiration Cards - where each card in the set beautifully depicted a quote to lift the heart or trigger reflection. The awarding of this prize generated quite a buzz of conversation ~ PNN houses sooooo many members who inspire with their words and comments. Who to gift this too?

In the end, there was one individual who lights up every post she visits with her encouraging and supportive words, not to mention her bright, lovely picture - and vivid yellow hat! Not only that - but this individual effortlessly and wonderfully hosted last month's Girl's Night Out with no flubs or slip-ups whatsoever (and so, has risen to Goddess status in my eyes). Congratulations to WRITERGRRL!! (Writergrrl could not attend last night's event as she was landing in Brisbane, Australia with her family for a vacation. In spite of this questionable show of commitment to the team (kidding!), Leigh will hold Writergrrl's prize until she returns home sometime next month.)

Prize #3: This inadvertently became an illustration of 'what do you see when you look at this picture'. By this third prize, I had figured out how to put the prize images up like a professional -- and being the ongoing work-in-progress that I am ~ I now had to master 'correctly stating the prize' as well.

I looked at the pic and saw a Pink Wallet - which stimulated a few ooohs and aaaaah ... and then Leigh graciously stepped in to let people know that it was actually the Gift Card displayed in the wallet that was the prize. Gift Card? Oh - yes, of course. Sigh.

So, displayed in the wallet was a Gift Card for Bath and Body Works ~ an item that generated much interest in the crowd. Who most deserved this prize? Who in our community consistently posts blogs, has been through experiences that would make pampering of the self a much needed gift at this time and who'd fully appreciate the products Bath and Body Works offers? Sooo many names came up in this discussion: Summer Star (who quickly noted that she'd just won a prize last month), MamaBear (who also just won a prize last month), Embassy Wife (do they have Bath and Body Works in Costa Rica) ... and then, the winner's name bubbled up from the crowd and the decision was unanimous. Congratulations HALI!!

The event was fast drawing to a close - somehow more than two hours had gone by ... and we still had one more prize to award -- and a new PNN Blogger of the Month had yet to be announced. While it did not seem that this was even possible - we had to step up the pace a bit and move even faster.

Prize #4: There was no mistaking THIS prize for what it was ... and what it was, was desired by all in attendance -- we're writers for goodness sake! Clearly depicted in all its glory (yay me!!) was an Amazon.com Gift Card in the amount of $25.

I'll cut to the chase because this blog post is looming dangerously close to lasting as long as the actual Girl's Night Out itself. For her beautiful personality, her compelling questions and posts, in recognition of last month's distinction of Blogger of the Month and the travelling she's done throughout the PNN Community with her thoughtful and supportive comments (and for introducing us all to a record-spinning hot dog who was starting to wilt under the strain of itchy ketchup and resorted to odd statements like "The Bun Has Spoken" - you had to be there) ... the Amazon Gift Card was awarded to KERRI!! And as an aside - thank you for sharing your awesome friends with all of us: dgeneres, pig, corn, DJ Kitchen, tat (I hope I haven't left any of them out) ... and the ever-mysterious and oh so funny bathhouse.

Blogger of the Month: PNN first awarded this distinction two events ago. This title is given to the community blogger who consistently demonstrates the spirit of PNN as a whole: interesting, helpful, supportive, compassionate, passionate, intelligent, creative, funny - in short, the Blogger of the Month has created a strong visible presence within the month that she's been nominated and community members feel better off for having met her. Past recipients include WearManyHats and Kerri.

This month's recipient is no stranger to PNN. She's been sharing environmental information, tips and ideas for months. Recently, she embarked on a one year challenge to only eat meals that she has prepared herself from scratch (while at home). She was inspired to do this after watching Julie & Julia ... and many of us have been fascinated with her daily updates, recipes and shared experiences. A number of us have taken on customized versions of this challenge ourselves ~ and we're feeling mighty proud of ourselves as a result. How's THAT for inspiring?

Please take a moment to visit goinggreen's blog page ~ she has got soooo much there to offer her readers and she always takes the time to reply to comments that are left on her posts. Congratulations LESLIE for a well deserved distinction!!

In Summary: Thank you so much to everyone who came out last night - you truly are special people who have somehow all gravitated to this one lucky online community that is so fortunate to be populated with the remarkable qualities we all collectively possess. The archive of last night's event and conversations can be found here - it is probably the only thing in PNN longer than this blog post.

I'm not sure when the next Girl's Night Out will take place, nor do I know who will be gifted the opportunity to host it ~ all I know is that I will be there ... and I really hope you all can be there too.

What cracks your heart wide open?

So much moves me to tears now. It wasn't always that way, I used to be quite contained and in control ~ but now I seek happy and inspiring moments that crack my heart wide open and carry me through my day suffused with appreciation and gratitude for the true beauty within everyday people.

I thoroughly enjoy the singing and dancing reality shows. While the talent blows me away on a regular basis ~ it's the inspiration that draws me in. Seeing people I don't even know achieve a personal best brings me happiness beyond words. But what cracks my heart wide open is the look of true surprise, and then gratitude, that beautifies an individual's face when they hear words that touch them deeply about something they've just done -- words that indicate, 'I saw you, I heard you - and you were truly fantastic'.

Someone I know is writing a paper on spirituality and music education ~ and she referred to the feeling one gets when totally connected to spirit (inspired stems from in-spirit) as 'almost narcotic'. I believe she's right - because I know I'm so addicted to seeing the light go on in the eyes of another, and feeling my own heart surge as a result, that I dedicate my waking hours to spirit lifting.

Making someone's day is a fulfilling endeavour ~ and often, it takes very little effort ... which means, you're then free to make another's day - and then, someone else's.

People tend to feel 'seen' or 'noticed' best when you comment on something specific about them, recognizing or appreciating something they do that may often be taken for granted, or cheering them in an area of life that is generally void of cheerleaders.

Letting a teacher know that you saw them give a child their sweater during a Fire Drill, where they all stood out on the field waiting for the okay to go back inside the school, on a chilly Fall day - and the child was shaking in a short-sleeved t-shirt ~ and the teacher sacrificed her own warmth for the comfort of the child ~ letting her know that you saw that, and that you were grateful to witness a moment that defines not only a great teacher, but a beautiful human being ... two hearts have just connected.

Telling a grocery store cashier who has just spent a lot of time with an elderly woman, waiting for her to count out 17 pennies, one at a time - as her customer line up got longer and longer and people have started to make noises and movements of frustration ~ telling her that you loved how kind and respectful she just was with the elderly woman, the elderly woman who could be you one day, and that it was definitely worth the wait because it just made your day ... two hearts have just connected.

Reading the blog posts of fellow PNN community members, the ones who pour out their hearts or their pain, the ones who inform and enlighten, the ones who make us laugh out loud even though no one else is in the room ~ reading these posts and leaving a comment to let the writer know you've been there, you value the time or the emotion or the information they have just shared, and that you're grateful for the experience for whatever reason you have for appreciating the experience, or even sharing an experience of your own ... two hearts have just connected.

And sometimes, you'll be lucky enough to witness a heart connection that just cracks your own heart wide open. That happened to me last night, and I'm still suffused with wonder from the experience.

My two daughters are in play offs for soccer right now - the play offs are running concurrent to the regular season. My oldest daughter's team has had trouble connecting as a unit all season, though individually - the team is made up of really talented players.

This team is in last place in their division - and from last place, they headed into their first play off game last Saturday morning. My daughter was asked to play the position of goalie - she has a natural instinct for this position and though it's not her position of choice ... she accepted it for the sake of the team, and stepped up for the first play off game.

To the surprise of everyone - the girls won this game 5-0 ... a shut-out for my daughter ~ and an actual win for this team! They all jumped around and squealed and it was lovely to experience. My daughter was a hero, and all the girls were thrilled because together, they played exceptionally well ... but this is not the moment I'll carry with me forever.

Last night, they played their Quarter Final game against a team that has out-played them all season (yes, all teams out-played them this season, but this team was pretty good).

My daughter went back into the position of goalie, the girls rallied as best they could - and the game was on. My daughter was cheered by parents on both sides for the saves she was making ... honestly, she rocked! And as great as those moments felt - it is still not the one that has me filled with joy even as I type.

The score was tied 1-1 .... and there was 15 minutes left in the game. The girls are all exhausted - the heat and humidity was crazy and they were giving all they had in ways they hadn't done before. You could feel their disappointment as they watched a fierce kicker from the other team charge the net - and score, what turned out to be the final goal of the game, against them. They turned up their energy and fought to get that goal back ~ and lost the game, 2-1.

When the referee blew the final whistle, my daughter looked down, and slowly started to take off her goalie gloves. I wished beyond words that I could run out to the field and tell her how very very proud of her I was -- and then, it happened.

As soon as the ref blew the final whistle ~ every girl on my daughter's team turned towards my daughter -- and ran to hug her and high five her and call her a hero exactly as they had when they won the previous game 5-0. And the coaches were doing the same.

Last night I saw love and respect and beauty in action - collective action, and my heart is still reeling from the experience.

We are all out there doing the very best we can. At any given moment, we deserve to be seen for who we are and for what we contribute. And it's a shame that we're so easily startled by the appreciation of another for something we ourselves deem to be insufficient or insignificant.

I invite you to join me in my crusade to lift the spirit of another. You'll be surprised at how very easy it is to do ... and all you have to do is get over your initial sense of embarrassment at speaking words that aren't often shared, and witnessing the powerful impact your simple words will make.

Oh, and liking the feeling of warm tears flowing down your face will help you too, because that's often the end result of a heart cracked wide open.

We see what we're looking for, so with what do you look?

My life, thus far, has been driven by two distinct ways of looking at the world around me.

I relied heavily on one way of looking at life for more than 30 years, and it reigned unchallenged until approximately ten years ago; the point in time that I discovered another way of looking at life. This second method was not only very effective at achieving desired results ~ but also brought with it peace, balance and gratitude beyond measure.

These two ways of seeing things do not engage in battle. Well - that's not completely true. One does. The other remains quiet in the knowing that it makes a better leader - and in time, this will be experienced to a degree that the battling stops, the appropriate alignment takes place and the collaborative wonder of the two may be unleashed for the benefit of my Self and all who cross my path.

I'm speaking of 'seeing' what's in front of you through the eyes of learned and perceived reality - and 'seeing' what's there through the eyes of enchantment and potential.

My Reality Vision is inextricably linked to my thoughts, my opinions, my assumptions, and my ability to critically dissect an issue or circumstance for what I perceive to be real and what I perceive to be drama. It helps me to render final decisions, choose appropriate actions and ensure responsible citizenship and contribution. It prompts me to research, read, listen to others, critically assess what I'll accept as truth vs what may actually be an alterior motive or divergent belief -- and these are all valuable attributes for which I'm exceedingly grateful.

Left to its own devices though, my Reality Vision keeps me living small.

It argues logic and reason gained from the confines of my life-experiences-to-date and/or my assumptions when presented with unexpected change.

It leaps into the past to accurately forecast the future when opportunities or challenges are presented.

And it thinks that everything we need to know to take a next step can be found somewhere within the five senses.

My Enchantment and Potential Vision is inextricably linked to my heart. It often sees what is not readily visible to the naked eye - best intentions, creative potential, inner beauty, maximum possibility, and miracles in action.

So, I have quite mastered the art of sometimes living my life with Reality Vision: assigning my own meaning to what I 'see' in people and circumstances around me, making assumptions and forming opinions about every day occurrences, and claiming the seemingly insignificant to be, indeed, insignificant ... and sometimes living my life with Enchantment and Potential Vision: consistently inspired by what I 'see' in people and circumstances around me, finding deeper meaning and loving motivation in everyday occurrences, and endowing the seemingly insignificant with profound meaning.

Here's the quote that triggered this 'two ways of looking' dilemma: "What do you choose to have faith in? Do you have faith in the power of the storm to destroy? Or Faith in your own inner power to command the waves?"

At this stage on my journey - I still put faith in both aspects. And as a result, I still struggle; with decisions, with moving forward, with healing, with relationships, with income generation ... I still struggle.

Sometimes I see the best in everyone. I know that all situations and circumstances hold a golden nugget of truth or learning or opportunity - the discovery of which will change everything. I trust that I'm fully supported and that as long as I show up, as long as I create the space and the environment that is conducive to the desire's arrival - as long as I do the work necessary to ensure that I'm ready when the opportunity arrives - the miracle will occur. I will command the waves.

And sometimes, I trust only myself. I take control because I feel I'm the only one capable of doing so. I question the Truth in what my essence knows to be true because it's not a common-held operating philosphy in the lives of others. I see people around me as speedbumps and obstacles to my desires or success. And I wonder why I always have to work so hard to stay afloat ... why I can't cut a break, why I can't get discovered, why I can't be fully appreciated for all that I am and all that I do. I become reactive to the power of the storm.

When it's 'safe' and 'easy' to do so - I have complete faith that the Universe's design for me is far greater than anything I could imagine on my own. As I recently read, "Many a man is building for himself, in imagination, a bungalow - when he should be building a palace."

And when the stakes are higher, when I'm more emotionally invested or attached to the outcome - relinquishing the controls is just something I'm clearly not yet able to do. I will 'ask' for success, while allowing a multitude of 'what if' worries to launch a stream of contingency planning in preparation for what might end up to be a failure ... and when you ask for success and you prepare for failure, you will get the situation you have prepared for.

Reality Vision keeps me small, because it keeps me from seeing the golden nuggets sparkling within the challenges I feel are blocking me.

My desire is to don the glasses of Enchantment and Potential all the time, to see the sacred in every thing, everyone, every moment -- and to trust with every fibre of my being that my best interests will always be supported - and all I have to do in return, is to show up - and Be the best I can be in every given moment, recognizing that others are also doing the same.

Sometimes you're the river, sometimes you're the rock.

Life is funny. Sometimes you can be infused with purpose, synced to flow, working towards an end goal or destination at great speed, effectively navigating your way around the many obstacles that present themselves to you ~ feeling exhuberant, fluid, powerful, unstoppable.

And sometimes, you can be stuck, in one spot, watching the flow of others all around you, eroding with time, marked with history ~ feeling heavy, immobile, lacking purpose, in the way.

Why is this? How is it that we flow with the energy and wonder of a river at one moment and feel solid as a rock at another moment?

Could it be that we get so caught up in the expectations of our Selves, or the expectations and judgements of others that we have lost the ability to accept and embrace our ability to be wondrous regardless of our state of being at any given time?

Rivers tend to age or mature naturally as they flow toward the ocean.  Sometimes rivers flow as several interconnecting streams of water. A river flowing in its channel can be its own source of energy, acting on itself to change its shape and form.

Rivers have been used as a source of sustenance, for obtaining food, for transport, as defensive measures, as sources of hydropower to drive machinery, for cleansing, and as a means of disposing of waste.

Rivers have been important in determining boundaries and defending countries from take-over or attack. They flow faster with less effort on a downward gradient than they do on an upward gradient ~ and they flow more powerfully when few obstacles mar their path.

Symbolically,the river can be a sign of ease, grace and fluidity; as expressed by its meandering form. Often times it is used to represent the calm beauty of nature. A fast-flowing river is often used to symbolize strength; and sometimes, calamity.

Rocks are constantly being formed, worn down and then formed again as a result of processes endured on earth.

There are three groups of rocks - each with its own characteristics and cycles. One completely changes from its first form due to the rock cycle process it engages in. Another gets pressed together and composed from bits of sediment and external influences that impact it over time. And the third is made from fire and heat, from volcanic eruptions that see final formation from a liquid version of itself.

The Rock denotes permanence, solidity, and integrity. It signifies safety, refuge, and protection.

There is a place for the all of it. There is beauty and purpose in every moment, in every feeling, in every circumstance and in every person.

Sometimes we respond to life as a River, with ease, strength or chaos as we deem appropriate at the time.

Sometimes, we feel we're the Rock, going through an eternal process of change and transformation.

Or we serve as the Rock in the lives of others: solid, safe, dependable, a refuge.

Either way - our state of being always has its place. It serves a purpose. And accepting the reality we face can allow us to pull up the qualities needed from within ourselves to do what needs to be done, or to be who we need to be, to ensure that we don't ultimately dry up or crumble away.

Sometimes you're the River, sometimes you're the Rock ~ at all times, you're magnificent.

The Facts or the Truth ~ where do you place your focus?

I just listened to a provocative Miracle Thought by Marianne Williamson that speaks to Facts vs Truth. I followed up on this podcast because until I saw these terms positioned in this manner, I had assumed they were one and the same.

Marianne Williamson's 'Miracle Thoughts' flow from teachings that are found in A Course in Miracles - which is a self-study metaphysical thought system that is unique in teaching forgiveness as the road to inner peace and the remembrance of the unconditional love of God.

In this 5 minutes and 14 seconds podcast, Marianne speaks to how facts and truth can be two different things and a situation will evolve into cyclical episodes of emotional violence or forgiveness and healing depending on where we choose to place our focus.

Walking a Spiritual path is arduous work for those of us who have not attained the level of enlightened master or guru. From the outside looking in, it can appear that those of us who choose this walk have also abandoned reality, responsibility, and emotional engagement. It appears that we see the world through rose-coloured glasses, that we'd be safest dwelling with Barney the dinosaur and that we're just completely out of touch with the real world.

For me, it took courage to open to the possibility that life was more than all I could fathom with my five senses, my limited intelligences, resources and experiences - and that there might be a suportive Universal connection that collaborates with me, intelligently and creatively ... inspiring me with ideas and insights I could never have realized on my own.

Marianne's podcast speaks to Truth with a capital T ... and the Truth is: in every person, the Truth is Love and in every situation, anything is possible, miracles can happen.

Love is real, Love is light. When light is absent, darkness sets in. When Love is absent, Fear sets in.

She states that, we might know the facts of any given situation, but getting to the Truth can be a whole other thing. Finding the difference between the facts of a situation and Truth of a situation is where we should place our focus. Why?

When someone does something mean, unkind or unethical to you ~ the Fact is they're being mean, they're being unkind or unjust, they're being unethical. But the Truth is, because of some wound within them (perhaps rooted in early childhood), they do not have the capacity in that moment, as they see it, to show Love and get their needs met as they understand those needs to be.

This does not mean they are unaccountable for their behaviour, it means that, in that moment - there has been a withhold of Love within them. There's been a disassociation within them between the Love that is their essential Truth and their Personality (the role they're engaged in at that time).

If you choose your response based on the Facts - then that person's fear-based, Loveless behaviour will tempt you to respond with your own fear-based, Loveless behaviour ... thus perpetuating cycles of emotional violence.

But the Truth in this situation is that the Love within them couldn't get through to a conscious place. And your job in this situation (if you choose to accept it), is to salute their Love, to know that their Love is there and to find it within your Self to somehow forgive their behaviour, and move on.

In that moment when someone is showing you unkindness - you cannot see the eternal flame of Love that is lit within them. But it is there, because what is created cannot be uncreated. And the A Course in Miracles teaches that, in any situation, it is healing to interpret anyone's behaviour by knowing that ~ if it is not Love, it is a call for Love.

So, anytime in life that we see the facts, and the facts make us harden, defend, attack, fear, lose courage, lose hope, etc. ~ remember that it is our mortal eyes, ears and minds that are seeing the facts -- and the facts are not the Truth.

And the Truth is: in every person, the Truth is Love, and in every situation - anything is possible, miracles can happen.

Where you put your focus will depend on whether you prefer to be right, or to be happy. Consistent focus on the facts and a need to prove or defend your position is not healthy for you in the end. The anger, the frustration, the upset, the discord, the sense of injustice and impotence and so on ... it's an unhealthy place to dwell.

A focus on the Truth, a willingness to open your heart in some way to the possibility that this person's behaviour is not what it appears to be, but is instead, a call for Love -- a Love they don't, at that moment, realize they have within themselves - or a Love they don't at that moment feel themselves deserving of ~ if you can see this situation before you through the eyes of Truth ... then you free yourself from the dis-ease of the situation and the harmful feelings it generated within you.

Forgiveness does not mean 'what you did to me is okay' ... forgiveness is a gift you give your Self, it says, "your behaviour is not acceptable to me but I will not waste one more moment of my life stuck in this moment of time with you. I will not let you have the power to dictate my future and how that future will feel. I choose to be happy, I choose to honour the Love that is my essence and birthright - and I release my Self and all emotion from this situation forever."

This takes practice. And we all have at least one person in our lives, at any given time, expertly positioned to provide us the practice we need. But know this, you are worth it. And anyone who has experienced the empowerment and peace that true forgiveness brings will support you every step of the way.

On this path, good intentions are simply not enough. Your willingness - to work hard, to stay focussed, to remain true to your Self and its purpose, to allow others to judge you as they may for what appears to be a cowardly or non-reaction - your willingness is everything.

And you're worth it. You are courageous beyond measure, valuable beyond words and appreciated beyond measure. In every situation, anything is possible - miracles can happen. Dwell there. Many blessings ...

What is Girl's Night Out at PNN anyway?

UPDATE: Girl's Night Out is counting down to start at 5:30pm Pacific Time / 8:30pm EST TONIGHT!!

Here's the link to the chat room - simply click on it and be prepared for an experience you won't soon forget!!

http://pnn.com/chat_events/8-girls-night-out

PNN is featuring its monthly Girl's Night Out (GNO) this Thursday September 24th. It starts at 5:30pm Pacific Time / 8:30pm EST and generally wraps up within 2 hours.

You may have seen conversation about it in comment boxes on various posts throughout this past week. If, like me, you're nervous about participating in something you've never done before without a direct invitation to do so ~ please accept this as your enthusiastic welcome and please join us!!

Girl's Night Out is an online event. Approximately 30 minutes before the event begins, a chat link is posted on PNN's home page.  I often update this post and include the link at the top of the page too.

Clicking on the link will take you into the Event Area. The evening then consists of real-time, live chat with as many people as are available in the room. It helps if you can read quickly - because the conversation (and the time) really flies!

There is no specific theme to the event - unless you count Fun, Laughter, Let Loose and Get To Know Each Other dialogue.

I have gotten to know many of the amazing women at PNN a little better through my participation in the last three GNO's. Personalities can really shine in a chat forum - and for me, they add significant depth to the blog posts I then read going forward.

You can be as introverted or extroverted as you please. There are no rules or expectations (beyond the basics of decorum and courtesy), this is truly an environment that is inclusive to all.

I'm most grateful for these events for the opportunity they provide me to 'discover' blog writers I had not found on my own. I am so much richer for the experience - and the fact that I spend an hour or so laughing out loud (lol) at my computer, frightening my family with worries that I've finally lost it, is just icing on the cake.

So, please don't let the 'familiarity' you may have encountered in discussion about this event hold you back from participating in it. It is because of PNN's Girls Night Out that those of us who joke as if we've known each other forever, do so.

If you're available at 5:30pm (Pacific) / 8:30pm (EST) this Thursday September 24th) ~ please click on the event's chat link and join us. Even if you choose to spend the hour reading the chat flow and absorbing the experience ~ it will still be an amazing investment of your time.

And if you'd be more comfortable attending with a friend - invite them along too! The chat link is publicly posted and you and your friends can mingle with the rest of us from the comfort of your own homes.

I truly hope to see you there. There isn't one person in this community that I haven't learned something from, been inspired by, laughed with (to the point of snorting sometimes they're so funny, I'm ashamed to say) and/or admired.

Girl's Night Out is truly symbolic of this community as a whole ~ dynamic and exciting with a lovely blend of humour, creativity, silliness and intelligence thrown in for good measure.

Until Thursday everyone ...

A Woman's Power

Who remembers I Am Woman, Helen Reddy's anthem for women, released with pride in 1972, reaching #1 on the Billboard Charts in December 1972, ultimately winning a Grammy Award and becoming an enduring anthem for the women's liberation movement?

It spoke to women's power and their right to equality. It spoke to resilience and courage and unbreakable spirit and conviction. If we had to, we could face anything: we are strong, we are invincible, we are women!

I couldn't be more grateful for all the contributions, struggles, and courageous choices my foremothers have made to provide the opportunities and rights that I enjoy today. Opportunities and rights that my daughters would take for granted, if not informed that things weren't always this way, the world wasn't always their oyster, and in some countries on our planet -- things are still not this way.

And now, I'm in my mid-40's and I can't help but wonder if here, where life is good and there is a general understanding that everyone deserves a voice, deserves respect, deserves common courtesies and compassion and kindness ~ is it perhaps not time to move beyond the first two stanzas of Reddy's anthem and dwell a little more intently on her final verse?

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Now that we have reached a place in time where girls are growing up with a sense of entitlement to opportunities and rights that women from generations past couldn't even imagine possible ~ is it not maybe time for those of us who are able to, to 'spread our loving arms across the land' ... to share wisdom, love, and compassion?

To demonstrate with our words and our actions that a woman's power isn't always about what she can achieve and accomplish in times of struggle and challenge by rising up and playing on the same level as those around her - but by being still, by being still as the axis of a wheel in the midst of all that's transpiring around her, and demonstrating the power that comes from the essence within us that can create peace, harmony, stability and safety simply by choosing these states of being as an option?

What was it that Helen Reddy hoped we'd 'make our brothers understand' as we developed from embryos to the dazzling Goddess's we're capable of being?

Could it be that, in time, we'd learn that all situations look different when viewed through the eyes of love and compassion?

Could it be that everyone holds greatness within them and that sometimes being the magnet that draws their wonder from them is far more powerful an act than seeing them as a sum total of their immediate behaviour with no hope for growth or redemption?

Could it be that the road to happiness and peace lies in our learned ability to forgive - because forgiveness allows us to release resentment and anxiety from our bodies and minds and creates space for peace and love to dwell without obstruction?

I have never felt more grateful to have been born a woman than I do now.  With 45 years of living and experience behind me - I am learning that when I engage with people and situations from my mind - complete with my belief system, my opinions, my feelings and my vocabulary - resolution can be a slower journey than when I engage with an open heart and a willingness to see what is before me from perspectives other than my own.

Women are pioneers in this regard - because by responding to situations by 'being still', by taking time to see through the eyes of all involved, to question our own participation and contribution to the challenges before us - we are centering ourselves in a place where emotions no longer cloud our judgement, where being right isn't nearly as important as seeking resolution, and where all parties involved ultimately feel heard, respected, and perhaps even appreciated ... and from there, miraculous outcomes become possible.

Over time, I have been viewed as weak. Someone reluctant to take a stand or make a decision. Someone afraid of not being liked. Someone willing to let others do the work and then stepping in to reap the benefits afterwards. It bothered me once - and my desire to prove otherwise kept me stuck ... stuck in the first two stanza's of Helen Reddy's song. You could bend but never break me, cause it only served to make me more determined to achieve my final goal.

And in time I've learned, and I now honour and respect, that my final goal is not always what is best for others, nor is it always best for the situation at hand -- it may simply be what I think is best for me at the time.

And when I'm willing to step away from that, when I'm willing to release my need to dictate and control the situation based from the logistics of my limited knowledge and experience ... I then open the door for pure potential - and in so doing, I wield more power for the greater good of all concerned than I ever could with my tenacity and determination and opinion alone.

Women are powerful beyond measure. Men are too. We all have within us the power and ability to operate from a place where we know we are safe, where we are lifted to the highest levels of creative possibility, where we have the capacity to love unconditionally and, in the words of Marianne Williamson, when we align with this inner power with our words, behaviours and integrity - moving mountains is small compared to what we can do.

I am woman, hear me whisper - to the essence that is you: you are loved, you are valued, you are special, you are worthy, and right now, in this place in time, there is no one I'd rather share this space with ... than you.

We're the onions, we'll be here all week!

It sucks to be the Nutrition Police. Granted, it’s a role I took on myself, about the time I was four or five months pregnant with my first daughter.  I had a different relationship with food up to that point ~ one that was more carefree, with less demands, expectations, focus and directives. I would eat when I was hungry, and I’d eat what I felt like eating, or what smelled good at the time, or what was easy to prepare.

And then, I started to read What To Expect When You’re Expecting, I began to understand the significance my own nutrition and eating habits held in the growth and development of my unborn child ~ and I started to make new choices, moving to fresh fruits and vegetables, deli meats vs. vac-pac meats, home cooked vs. take-out, etc.

Once my daughters were born and ready to eat solid foods, I made all their baby food for them – pureeing meats and vegetables and fruits, freezing them in ice cube trays to ensure each was later available in perfect 2 oz. portions ~ and believing this would mark the beginning of a lifetime of healthy eating while giving them a sound nutritional foundation upon which they’d one day build.

Fast forward 13 years or so ~ and the plan has gone horribly awry. I have somehow morphed from nutritional educator and guide to Nutrition Police – and my daughters have gone from enthusiastic eaters and Mommy-pleasers to making responsible choices when forced to do so and to making questionable food choices the majority of the time.

On some level, I get this.  After all, I was brought up in a household where healthy eating was valued, good food choices were available, and I slid into a more casual relationship with food as I aged. I guess the part that has me confounded is my inability to be more fluid with this phenomenon. I mean, here I am on holidays with my family ~ having spent considerable time peeling carrots, slicing peppers, washing apples, making salads – so they can sit forlornly in the vegetable crisper together, ignored and uneaten, by everyone – but me.

This brings to mind a quote I read recently in a book titled The Game of Life and it states, “it is learning to ‘stand still’ which seems so difficult for man.” How true. Rationally, I know that my job right now is to make sure healthy food choices are available and to model good nutritional habits myself. I can guide and I can prompt – and I can even ensure that a certain number of food group ingestion requirements are met – and the rest is really out of my control. The girls are now at an age where I am not with them all the time. If I’ve not succeeded in teaching that little voice inside of them to speak up in my absence when necessary by now, then I’ve simply not done my job very well. So for the sake of their growth and my peace of mind, I must teach myself how to ‘stand still’ – to stand still and trust that they will honour their bodies’ need for appropriate caloric supply – and to have faith that the past thirteen years of teaching has not been for naught.

Which brings me to another quote that’s been floating in my head this week, “If one asks for success and prepares for failure, he will get the situation he has prepared for.” So I ask myself, as my eyes stream from the onion slicing that has occupied my morning, giving me the satisfaction in knowing I’ve done my part in the preparation of food for my family – I ask myself, to what extent am I dooming my kids to failure by always harping on about the food choices they should be making, rather than putting that energy into having faith in their success (and mine) – and simply doing my job (ensuring healthy food choices are available) and then standing still …  letting them take it from there?

Certainly I’d be a lot happier if I could take a calmer, more humourous approach – as does my spouse. As I packaged the sliced onions for future use on hamburgers, sausages, in salads, etc. ~ I started to tell him what I was doing. Obviously, I annoy people more than I’m aware, because he cut me off with, “Yeah yeah, I know – ‘we’re the onions and we’re here all week’”. It made me laugh, and snapped me out of the moment. “Yeah, if you’re looking for us, we’ll be right next to the cucumbers, apples and tomatoes in the forgotten crisper of neglect and solitude. And right next to the Faith that people will one day seek us out, enjoy our goodness – and maintain great health as a result.”

And if not, I'll have the last laugh - for I will outlive them all. Ha!

PNN Women ROCK!!

I have looked forward to writing to you all day. In fact, I have desired to write to you for the last few days and have carved out time now, at last, to do so.

My husband, daughters and I are heading out tomorrow morning for a one week's vacation at a cottage we've rented on a beach. We're all very excited about going, and all for different reasons.

A very dear friend of mine has rented a cottage at this beach for the same week, every summer, for the last 14 years. In fact, there's a group of 10 couples/families who all meet up in this location one week, every year, together. The waiting list for cottage rentals in this location is veeerrrrry long.

Last year, my very dear friend put a deposit on a cottage that became unexpectedly available so that we could all spend one week's holidays together. We had such a wonderful time and were so grateful to be able to join in again this year.

My two daughters were readily included amongst the other young girls that gather during this week. They walk the beach, play volleyball, buy french fries and frozen yogurt, paint each others' nails, fill their camera memory cards with pictures that get uploaded to Facebook as soon as they get home - in short, we have breakfast together in the morning, we meet up again at dinner, and then they're to meet me and their Dad at the communal campfire by 10:30pm to head back to the cottage for bed.

My husband found fellow beer drinkers, fellow bocce ball players, fellow golfers, fellow poker players and was able to leave the stress and worries of work behind him and immerse himself in fun, relaxation and play, knowing that his generous provision of his family allowed for this wonderful retreat from 'real life' - and everyone feels so happy and free, largely thanks to him.

And me, I walked the beach a lot last year. The crashing surf, the seagull calls, the smells, the feeling of sand on my bare feet, the immense power that surrounded me without overwhelming me was so healing and wonderful. I took a book I did not end up reading and really just spent the week fully enjoying the time with my very dear friend, keeping tabs on my girls, loving that my husband was enjoying himself and just grateful for the all of it.

My daughters and husband are anticipating another week of the same, starting tomorrow, once we arrive, around 2pm or so. We'll unpack the car, set up the cottage, the girls will don their bathing suits and go in search of their cottage friends, my husband will join 'the men', I'll be giddy with excitement knowing that I've got a whole week with friends I haven't seen in ages ... and the vacation will open itself to us, day by day.

And I will write. This year, I will write.

I have two spiritually themed books that I will read each morning, alone, the only one awake - and I will take the book of my choosing down to the beach with a steaming cup of coffee and my Quotes Journal and I will immerse myself in Spiritual Truth and wisdom, remembering why I am here - rediscovering who I truly am, recreating my Vision of my Self and my purpose.

And then, I will summon the confidence and the courage I have grown as a result of your support, your comments, your connection with me ~ and I will allow my inner voice to reveal itself in words, on paper ... one day, to be published.

I am blessed beyond imagining. And as I sign off for a one week hiatus - it's important to me that you all know how powerfully empowering your words are in the life of another.

The comments you leave on my blog posts, and the blog posts of others throughout the PNN community, have the power to change lives. To you, they may be heartfelt words typed in a box, showing that you've been there, and you've cared enough to leave your heartprint by way of your comment. But to the author of the post, your heartprint can mean the world.

One of the books I'm taking with me this week quotes, "Nothing stands between man and his highest ideals and every desire of his heart, but doubt and fear. When man can 'wish without worrying', every desire will be instantly fulfilled."

When you support, encourage, or validate another with a comment you leave on their blog post, you help them move closer to their highest ideals by washing away a little of their doubt, a little of their fear ... you let them know their voice matters, their opinions and feelings are valid and that they are a visible member of something special - not just an anonymous blogger, posting to a vacuum, wondering if anyone really cares.

You are an incredible, powerful, loving and magical collectionn of vibrant, dynamic, compassionate individuals ~ and I will think of you often while I'm away.

Thank you for all you've brought to my life in the relatively short time we've known each other. And fully feel the gratitude I have for you all as I say, you have truly made a difference in the life of this inner child.

Blessings to you all - and I will be back on Sunday July 26th.

Weeding ~ the garden, and beyond ...

I spent considerable time weeding this past weekend. My garden isn't particularly big, but I had neglected this task for one reason or another over the last 8 days and the flowers were clearly losing to the weeds' assault.

Amazing how things can so quickly spin out of control when our attention is fixed elsewhere, isn't it? I mean, I did not ignore the fact that the weeds were slowly taking over the garden -- I saw their emergence almost immediately, and made a mental note to pull them out later that day. Other tasks took priority though - and the weeds were left to populate.

I went away for five days - so the weeds invited friends and mingled recklessly with my flowers. On my return, I put "Weed Garden" on my To Do list each day - and kept carrying it forward.

On Thursday, I started a Today I Will Do Journal to document priorities for each day ... items that will have dedicated, focussed action behind them as opposed to the often fixated hope of my endless To Do lists. And STILL, the weeds received no more attention than my momentary thoughts provided.

Until Saturday, and then Sunday. I enjoyed the task for many reasons - the fact that there is a beginning and an end, you know when you're done and you can see immediate results; working in nature, surrounded by sounds of the wind (and, on Saturday, the rumbling thunder, the cracks of lightening and the purifying rain blessing every beautifying action); and the mental meanderings I indulged in that took me back to times where I've weeded aspects of my life with similar focus, and how my inattention to certain details led to my own Self's depletion by the damaging growth of 'weeds'.

Generally speaking, weeds are unwanted plants. They are considered undesirable by gardeners as they are neither eaten nor considered attractive.  They are frequently invasive and difficult to control.

Weeds compete with crops and plants for moisture, nutrients and light.  They may also harbor insects and diseases, promote other diseases by increasing humidity, decrease vegetable quality and make harvests difficult.  Vegetable plants grown under weedy conditions will have reduced yields or they may not survive to produce at all.

Weeds are highly adapted to where they grow.  They have large, efficient root systems, grow rapidly and frequently produce tremendous amounts of seeds.  Most weeds tolerate drought and low fertility.  Little of their energy is used producing lush foliage, large seed or fruit; thus, they often thrive where vegetables struggle to produce.

Do you know people like this? People who are invasive or difficult to control, people who sap the energy you need for sustenance and growth, people who make the harvesting of your goals difficult or who keep you in a constant mode of 'struggling to produce'?

We actively weed our gardens to reduce competition for sunlight, water, soil nutrients and space for the crop plants. We also weed to eradicate plants that we know are serving as habitat for garden pests. And finally, we weed to get rid of plants that we consider a nuisance.

How many of us invest the same time and energy in our lives? Sure, initially it may feel a lot less "mean" pulling a garden weed out by the roots than releasing a human being from our lives ~ but once you get over that, are you not worth the same nurturing care and attention as your garden?

Yes, making choices that honour your growth, your development, and your ability to better serve others does ripple out and affect others. And yes, that can be uncomfortable. Weeds are tricky too - remember, they can thrive in relatively unfertile soil, their roots grow deep, they seed and multiply at an alarming rate ~ but, given the chance - might you not blossom more gloriously if you devoted more time to the maintenance of your Self and your goals and your priorities and less time to the maintenance of your weeds?

When you do weed your garden - do you keep a separate 'weed plot' and then divide your gardening time between the plants and vegetables ... and the weeds? Or do you remove the weeds completely and devote your time to the plants and flowers that provide the greatest return in the end?

There is no right or wrong here. We all do what we do and we reap what we reap as a result. Sometimes we're on top of the weeds, and sometimes - we get distracted and the weeds threaten to take over.

I guess for me, part of the pleasure I enjoyed this past weekend - was the empowered sense of control it gave me to assist in the creation of continued growth and beauty ~ and the sense of appreciation I felt for all that I've been through - and how much stronger, and more centred, I am now as a result.

A moment to self-assess ...

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions. For me, change tends to be more of a year-round practice.

When a change needs to be made, I initiate the process and get on with it.

When a change is forced upon me ... I engage in that process (eventually) and get on with it (once I've accepted it and have come to terms with what must now be released so the change has the space to exist).

As 2008 drew to a close - I actively reflected back on all that I'd bring forward into 2009, and all that I'd let go and release so the New Year would be entered into with the best parts of my Self and the people and resources and challenges that will continue to enrich my own personal growth and development.

I happened to listen to an Oprah Soul Series webcast featuring Jon Kabat-Zin. The discussion was about mindfulness and the benefits of living mindfully.

(For anyone interested - it can be found here: http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgoprahssoulserieswebcast/20080707_oaf_oss_jkabatzinn)

I desired to be more mindful than I'd ever been.

I desired to make decisions that positively impacted my Self, my family and my friends from a place that was able to detach from emotion and focus solely on the heart of issues with a view to what works, and what works best, for all concerned.

I desired to speak my Truth in the present moment in a way that might touch the heart of another.

I desired to get out of my way and to get in touch with what's deepest and best about my Self. To step back from the DOing to get centred in the BEing so that when I step back into the DOing - the end result is more meaningful and productive.

I desired to pay attention, on purpose, in the present moment, nonjudgementally.

I desired to focus intentional attention on what matters in the present moment.

These desires were all quite ambitious - it is so easy to live almost anywhere BUT the present moment. There are so many seductive enticements that draw your attention away from where it might be placed ... allowing your thoughts to meander down paths of drama, following red herrings that serve no purpose but to distract you from the goal. Leaving you making decisions that may perhaps address symptoms but never truly get near the root cause.

Two books that made a significant impact on me this past year were: A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle; and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.

Both books encourage you to be present in your life. Both encourage you to self-assess, to invest your time and energy wisely, to know the difference between essence and ego, to value and respect your dreams and to honour the 'space in-between'; the timeless moments between events.

Genuine happiness is independent of how things are going. It actually flows from a state of being. We can let people, circumstances and events beat us down, overwhelm us, confuse us and stress us. Or, we can take control, become more mindful - and allow our conscious living in the present moment to heal ourselves and others through the way we choose to respond to life.

Wisdom is a practice - something you cultivate your whole life. So is compassion. You link the two together ~ and your power is immense. I desire to fly like a bird with a wing of Wisdom and a wing of Compassion. And in so doing, it is my desire to make meaningful contributions with everything I choose to do. On purpose.

There is a poem by Derek Walcott that opens with: "The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror - and each will smile at the other's welcome". This is where I desired to dwell throughout 2009.

To know who I am, to know my own Truth, and to live that Truth and that BEing authentically, in the present moment, for the benefit of all, on purpose. And to not miss it - the time, my time ... when it comes.

We all walk unique life paths. We all contain a myriad of skill sets that make the world a better place because we're here. So many have mastered mindful living ~ I aspire to feel that mastery.

And so, I dedicated 2009 to coming to to my senses. I decided to notice what is going on around me and to take action in ways that seek to enrich the present moment ~ for me, and for all those who cross my path.

Life is a fascinating process ~ and as I reflect on the first half of 2009, I see that I still have a lot of work to do. And that's okay - as long as I remain mindful, in the present, now.

May you meet the challenges that push you out of your comfort zones mindfully - knowing that the wisdom comes from the process ... and the reward is getting to the other side. We're all in the together, and we're all quite inspiring, each in our very own ways.

"We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started - and know the place for the first time." T.S. Eliot

Gone until Wednesday July 8th ...

Blessings everyone!

I'll be away from Thursday July 2nd until Wednesday July 8th ~ I'm travelling 7 hours north to spend several days with my in-laws and I'm not sure if I'll have Internet access while there.

I'll be thinking about you all ~ and looking forward to reading all of your posts and updates when I return.

A very Happy July 4th to all my American friends!!  And I'm looking forward to catching up with you all next week ... Sally.

Is Your Personal Story a Weight or a Footprint?

We all have our own personal stories - histories that have crafted who we are today ... and prepare us for who we'll be tomorrow.

It is indisputable that our personal stories serve great importance. Our life experiences contain the seeds of our growth, the lessons and the learning. We draw upon them when faced with a new situation or circumstance that confuses us or confounds us completely.

This serves us well if we're able to view what's in front of us 'filter free' and with a big picture perspective and open mind. We can then assess the situation for its potential in terms of what it can teach us and how it can help us develop and grow.

Too many times, however, people get pushed along by their past - seeing everything before them as examples of 'history repeating itself'. They'll react as they always have and be perfectly right when lamenting, "why do these things always happen to me?".

Healing opportunities will always present themselves to us in varying forms until we learn the lesson they bring and move on. Learning the lesson and moving on is not as easy as it sounds, however - especially for those viewing the world through filters of the past, those operating whilst still asleep and/or those who do not partake in the exercise of self-assessment.

Every person, situation and circumstance in your life is reflecting something to you. It may be mirroring who you are. Perhaps it's mirroring or clarifying who you are not. There's also a chance it's reflecting to you who you could be.

When faced with challenge or upset ~ I've found I move through it much more quickly if I bypass the urge to justify my feelings (anger, frustration, disappointment, betrayal, stress, confusion, hopelessness, helplessness, etc.) and instead look at the big picture that the person, situation or circumstance represents.

Trying to see the situation through the eyes of the other party (or parties) and to feel the situation they way they do ... that often allows me to better diagnose the core issue at hand and then go about the business of resolution.

This is not saying that I choose to believe that I am always wrong and that I solely shoulder the responsibility of healing whatever has gone amiss. It simply means that I was part of the problem or I wouldn't be having the experience. And therefore, I must own the part of it that is mine -- and determine how to proceed from there.

If more information is needed, then I'll get it. If more compassion or understanding is needed - then I'll do my best to muster it. If I've behaved badly or ignorantly - then I'll apologize .. and do better next time. And then I will forgive the person, circumstance or situation and release it -- so I can move forward without its burden weighing me down or confusing me again later in my journey.

These steps are critical to living a life free of resentment, blame, guilt and other heavy, dark feelings that mire us in energy that ultimately blocks our potential.

Our personal stories and life histories are written in stone not so we can forever carry them around as reminders of our pain, our mistakes, our failures and our losses. They are engraved there as a footprint of who we once were and are no more. What we once believed until we knew better. How we once behaved until we learned more positive methods. And where we travelled from, how far we have come and how much more learning and potential still awaits us throughout our travels.

I learned long ago that my journey was always stilted, disappointing and frustrating when my momentum was pushed by my past and my view was defined by the outlines in my rear view mirror.

There are things in life I am wise to hold on to; support, encouragement, comfort, learning, and joy - to name but a few. There are just as many I am wise to let go of: like pain, failure, mistakes, unhappiness, blame and guilt.

Struggles and challenges are best managed and, if possible, overcome when viewed as speedbumps in the walk of life. They force us to slow down and move more carefully for a brief moment in time. Then, when the obstruction has been dealt with - we accelerate and carry on.

We are always the space in which our history resides. That means we are always bigger than our story. That's empowering.

Sometimes you just need to be clobbered by a gold star ...

"I promise you, I will do everything that needs to be done to ensure that your Grad is perfect for you - release worry for the rest of the day."

That was me, speaking to my oldest daughter - yesterday morning at 7:15am as she angsted over all the things that could possibly go wrong, preventing her from fully enjoying her Grade 8 Graduation exprience. Everything - from her eye liner getting put on crooked, to her hair getting curled wrong, to there not being enough time to get ready - you name it, she threw it in the 'what if it happens' bag that to this day, remains bottomless.

"But what if we end up staying too long at Sister's Grad and then we get too hot and sticky in the heat, and then we don't get back in time to curl my hair, and then my dress straps won't go on properly, and I don't meet Emily on time and she goes in without me ..."

My head was starting to spin. I had promised myself that I would not get frazzled today. I would be the space where both of my graduating daughters could find peace, and anything else they'd need, to ensure their special day was as fabulously memorable as they deserved it to be. Daughter #1 would challenge my commitment to Patience (she's great that way) - but I have been practicing and I was not going to crack.

My daughters are 18 months apart in age - so this year, they both graduated from their respective schools (Grades 8 and 6) and, as luck would have it - they both did so on the same day.

No big deal, I figured, one graduates at 1:15pm and the other at 6:30pm. The day is big enough to accommodate them both and surely there are enough hours in-between to make worry unnecessary. Silly, silly me.

"Okay," I break into the worry stream that has not let up once, not once, since I came downstairs to pour myself a coffee, "here is my commitment to you. This day up to 3pm will be completely about your sister. We'll make sure she feels good about what she's wearing and how she looks, we'll wait patiently while she takes gazillions of pictures with friends and we'll make sure she knows how proud of her we are while giving her the space to enjoy the day any way she wants to.

Then - the day will be completely about you. From 3pm until the end of your Grad Dance at 9:30pm - you will be the focus of all attention so that your Grad experience is exactly as you desire it to be - or better."

She thinks about this for, oh - 3 seconds or so. "But what if you lose track of time? What if we're still waiting for her to take pictures and it's 3:15pm. And then, what if you bump into all those people you always end up talking to and so we don't get home until even later than that? And what if we don't have enough time to curl my hair? And you forget that I hated the little curls you did last night - remember? Remember i had to run up and straighten them out because they were so ugly? What if you do that again?"

The worry stream didn't end there, by the way - I just realized as I sat there looking at her come up with worst case scenarios so effortlessly that I was probably outmatched; that I was not strong enough a swimmer yet to navigate against the current.  So I got up in the guise of having to make breakfast, before my brain exploded, which would inevitably trigger an outburst from my mouth that would run diametrically opposed to my promise to be the space of peace.

The sound followed me - how is one able to come up with so many upsetting possibilities so quickly?

"You are the space where peace exists. You are the space where peace exists." Mantras are supposed to help as they focus your thoughts on what you desire thus increasing your ability to manifest the reality. Mantras have never experienced the power of Daughter #1's worry.

"So you promise that, no matter what, we'll be HOME by 3pm. And you'll curl my hair properly. And you'll make sure I get there on time."

Wow, could I be this lucky? Was I actually stable enough that she feels the confidence to let some of this anxiety go? Of course I was! I'm powerful beyond words - I'm Wonder Mom!

And then, the day started to spin out of control again. It was 7:35am, and Daughter #2 was heading down the stairs towards us, "Does she have to come to my Grad today? And I think my dress makes me look fat - I wish you hadn't made me buy this dress ..." 

My inner-power reserves had taken an early hit and, clearly, there would be no time for them to replenish. I was sliding fast and losing my resolve. For someone so interested in the ways of the spiritual - I sure struggled to walk the talk.

What I didn't know then, was that later that morning, 9:57am to be exact, I'd be clubbed in the back of the head by a shining, gold star ... and everything would change. And the day would turn out perfect.

Introducing my friend Jen ...

Under the category of "the Internet isn't always a cold and dangerous place" ... I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine that has recently joined PNN.

I've mentioned in a few comment boxes here and there that I'm relatively new to the online social networking experience. In fact, PNN is my second foray into a cyber community. Eight months ago, I joined my first online community as an applicant for an exciting job opportunity that was posted on craigslist.

Close to 1,000 others around North America (and a few from Australia, and one from Ireland) participated in, what was to me, a unique, captivating and addicting experience. We joked, shared information, enjoyed each others' company, sought and gave advice, etc.

This is where I met Jen. She appealed to the Gemini in me as a technological glitch posted everything she uploaded twice, like she was virtually stuttering or something. Or maybe she thought we weren't really 'listening' to her the first time. Or we were too obtuse to get it right away. She became affectionately known as Jenny 2x.

She had the best sense of humour, her comments and advice were always straight up, very real, from the heart and with a passionate vehemence that left no doubt that she was telling it like it is (whether the advice seeker wanted to hear it or not).

And her sense of humour - she is amongst the funniest writers I know. She does not take herself too seriously and she's able to see a lighter side of every situation that is a balm (and a hoot) to be around.

Jen and I became Facebook friends - for I eventually left that site for a myriad of reasons and I did not want to lose contact with her. Jen got very busy with 'life stuff' and our only contact was via Profile Statements in our respective Facebook news feeds.

And now - she's a participating member of PNN ... and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Please stop by and say hello to her if you have time ~ she's an amazing woman and therefore, you've all got a lot in common already ...

What "The Secret" doesn't tell you ...

The Secret is a phenomenon sweeping the nation ... it contains information about harnessing the Energy of Attraction to draw your desires to you with focussed effort. Vision Boards abound and dreams flow in abundance when The Secret is understood and utilized.

I'm a huge believer in the power of energy, the generosity of the Universe and the inner spirit's ability to draw desired outcomes to you when you're working 'on purpose'. I think, though, that The Secret stops short at a point where a little more information would be helpful.

For instance, what happens when your Vision Board is created, your thoughts are focussed -- and your outcomes are still not what you envisioned? What then? Are you doing something wrong? Are you not meant to have your dreams as desired? Are you not capable of dreaming your own dreams?

Here's what The Secret doesn't tell you.

The Energy of Attraction responds to two things -- that which you Desire, and that which you Fear. It cannot discern between that which you desire to draw to yourself - and that which you desire to push away. It has no idea if it's being called by a conscious choice on your part - or to an unconscious fear that you may not even be aware of.

The switch on your Personal Creation Power is always on, always working. It not only works with your most recent thought or idea - but also with the one to which you give the most frequency and focus and emotional energy.

So, if you find yourself in a place where it feels like your Personal Creation Power is not working, it is possible that the Energy of Attraction has brought you what you inadvertently, or unconsciously, selected rather than what you thought your were choosing. Or, your fears held more emotional power than your desires ... and so your fears are what manifested.

It is important that you stay positive when you feel you're floating in a sea of negativity - and know that the process is working, even when it really looks like it is not. And maximize the Law of Opposites.

The Law of Opposites states that no sooner will you call something into your reality then its exact opposite will also appear - and always first. The reason for this is that the Energy of Attraction cannot be experienced within a vacuum. A context must first be produced in which you may experience what you have chosen.

So, what do you do when the Law of Opposites seems to be thwarting rather than supporting your Personal Creation? Understand exactly what is going on.

At every moment of difficulty and challenge in your life, you have a choice: opposition or composition. You can either oppose that which your are experience or compose that which you choose to experience.

You and you alone decide what anything means to you. You and you alone get to choose what matters and what doesn't matter, what is good and what is bad, what is okay and what is not okay. You and you alone get to determine whether you are going to react positively about something or negatively about something - or, whether you will have no reaction at all.

Your emotions are entirely under your control. your feelings are what you want them to be.

So, if you feel like your world is being pulled out from under you as you know it ~ stay focussed on your desires - on what you want the Energy of Attraction to bring your way. Because chances are -- you are moments away from receiving it. You just have to get through its direct opposite first. Don't give up while the context is being set ... bring your fears into your consciousness - and remember that you are powerful beyond imagining.

Harness the wonder within you and take all that you have drawn to you, through the Energy of Attraction and the Law of Opposites - permitting you to produce your experience of this in all the creative ways that only a rich imagination can conjure.

Think only what you choose to experience, say only what you choose to make real, and use your mind to consciously instruct your body to do only what you choose to demonstrate as your highest reality.

This is what The Secret left out. And sometimes, secrets are meant to be shared.

The thrill of the find ...

Thank goodness for those two little boxes on the right hand side of PNN's home page - the ones titled "Latest Posts" and "Latest Comments" -- for without them, I would miss out on meeting a lot of amazing women!

I always start at the home page when I enter PNN ~ I see the featured blog posts and the latest blog posts and I read really terrific, informative and inspiring work this way. 

I also Follow a good number of Community Members - so their latest work graces my Inbox, alerting me that wonder awaits just a click away.

Finding new PNN contributing members isn't as easy though. And this is why I'm so glad those afore-mentioned boxes exist ~ because I'm generally always captured by something in the few words highlighted ~ and been so grateful as a result.

And while I love reading the blog posts created by others, I also really enjoy the comment threads that sometimes follow. We all know how great it feels to receive comments from others - I also love to receive a reply to a comment I've left ... be it to advance a conversation or simply to acknowledge that you'd been there and you're appreciated for doing so.

I call this The Thrill of the Find - and I'm going to share site pages of a few women I 'found' just this week, just in case you're looking to expand your sphere of friendship too.

Please post the site addresses of anyone you've 'found' recently so we can visit them too!

I hope you all have a magnificent weekend - and don't forget to keep next Thursday evening free for PNN's Girl's Night Out!!

Thank you so much to the following women for sharing your work - I've enjoyed my time at your site:

Violette DeSantis, Ghostwytch, EverFile, Mother Single and Miriam L. Jacobs (who I actually 'met' last week, but she just posted a beautiful tribute to her kitty and I felt grateful for her presence all over again)

*UPDATE*: How did I forget these remarkable women? Here's a few more valuable finds! Larissa Lytwyn, Carolina, Jennifer Ann Gordon, and Storilines

Time for a little PNN-spiration!

Ladies (and gentlemen) -- members of our community are hurting. Members of our community are feeling down. Members of our community are feeling stuck. And members of our community can use a little support and friendly contact.

I think it's time to start spreading a little PNN-spiration. Let's help each other and make a difference in someone's day.

I've spent the last hour catching up on blog post reading and I've encountered incredible inner strength, determination, courage and resilience. The most incredible people dwell here at PNN.

Please stop by these sites and give a heart lift to: comictragedy, carepdiem, awaitingbloom, and otherstuff. Each of these remarkable women are feeling down and refusing to cave in to their emotions.

What do you do when sadness or upsetting circumstances threaten to overwhelm you? I withdraw - I retreat and go within. I turn to the quotes of authors who inspire me. Recently, I've been reading the quotes I lifted from Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and I've been listening to Marianne Williamson's "Miracle Moments".

If you know of anyone here who could really use a friendly lift or some support or encouragement, please post their page link in the comment section below. I know I'd love to stop by and let them know I'm behind them ~ and I know others would too.

If Oprah were to ask me right now, 'What do you know for sure?' -- I'd say that this community is full of PNN-spiration and I'm so grateful to be a part of it!

You are not alone

In my recent "Jumping Off A Cliff" post, I learned that many of us are presently poised at the brink of Change.

Some of us know that Change is necessary - but aren't sure what to do about it. Where to seek it. How to pursue it.

Some of us have had, are having, or are about to have, Change thrust upon us - as a result of an illness, a death, a job loss, or something that is not the same and was not asked for or expected.

Some of us have actively, are actively or are about to actively implement Change ~ with anticipation, trepidation, enthusiasm and desire.

Few of us have the certainty we'd like to move in the direction we're meant to go.

I am a fan of Marianne Williamson. I've read most of her books, I've seen her speak at conventions, I follow her on twitter and I receive her Miracle Moment thoughts in my Inbox every day.

Yesterday, a Miracle Thought about Weariness was delivered. I connected to it immediately. Until that moment, I hadn't really recognized that I was feeling Weary. I had other names for it: unsettled, slightly off, out-of-whack, disconnected, discombobulated (one of my favourite words to say out loud, by the way). But Weary? Yes, I am feeling Weary.

So, the message was titled: What Does Weariness Mean? I thought I knew ~ but I went to the web page to listen to the 3 minute Miracle Thought anyway. Here's part of what I heard:

"You are weary of being who you have been longer than it is appropriate to be who you used to be."

"You're hanging onto something and it is time to be reborn into something new. It is time to be something new."

"Let die what needs to die. Let be born what needs to be born, what is asking to be born."

I sent this message to a friend who I thought might appreciate it as well. It made me feel better. Not only because I like to share and connect with people when I can ~ but because, it helped me feel less alone.

You see, Change is inevitable. Without it, we stagnate. We can oppose it or compose it ~ resist it or embrace it - the choice is ours. And our experience of it will flow as a result of the approach we choose.

In Chapter 9 of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, he states: When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear  is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change ... If uncertainty is unacceptable to you, it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity.

We're all human. We all have histories and life stories that will dictate our initial responses to Change. And I dedicate this post to all of you who valiantly live your lives, every day ~ Pain and Fears in check ~ Resilience firmly in place - with Clarity, and perhaps even Peace, on the horizon.

To you all, I say two things: You can do it. And, You Are Not Alone.

Please feel free to use the Comment Space below to request positive thoughts, prayers, validation or support for whataever path you're presently walking - or whatever juncture at which you may be standing. You can do it. And, You Are Not Alone ...

Please help me ...

“Look,” the teacher snapped, “we just went over this yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. You will never understand this if you refuse to pay attention!”

“I AM paying attention. It’s not my fault if I’m dumb, okay!”

“You’re not dumb, you’re lazy. Instead of focusing on what’s being taught, you’re either sitting with your eyes closed or looking out the window. And then you hold up the entire class by asking the same questions every day even though we’ve been over this so many times already. I can’t help you if you don’t try.”

“Well this class is stupid anyway,” the young boy yelled as he ran out of the classroom, “I wish I didn’t have to come here at all!”

The teacher sighed and stared at the door, hoping the boy would return. 

He didn’t, he never did after outbursts like that. Maybe tomorrow she’d be able to reach him, hold his attention, help him to understand that he was only hurting himself with his stubborn desire to be anywhere but here.

Turning out the lights, and gently closing the door behind her, she left.

The room settled into itself. Children played outside, the after-school program in full swing. The janitor rustled in his closet next door, hung up his coat, pulled out the broom.

“I do pay attention, I really try my best.” 

The energy shifted as the words left unspoken, find their voice; flowing from a hurting heart – no longer stilted by a challenged mind.

“I try so hard to put every single word into my head. But it just seems like my ‘head space’ is too small – and as soon as I have one sentence in there, you say another one. And there’s no place for that second sentence to go – so I have to make space for it, and the only way I know how to do that, is to let the first sentence go.”

Lights flicked off in the classroom across the hall. Somewhere, a toilet flushed. A car pulled out of the parking lot.

“If I had the language and the life experience behind me, I would tell you that I suffer from neuro-developmental deficits in the area of memory. I would tell you that there is nothing I’d like more than to please you. That being a constant source of frustration and disappointment is really really hard. And that always presenting information to me exactly the same way so repetitively is never going to help me to learn.”

A meeting is called over the P.A. system. The low buzz of shared conversation can be heard down the hall. The clock ticks.

“There is a disconnect between my short-term memory, my active working memory, and my long-term memory consolidation and access. When you speak, I am not capable of determining what information you’re sharing is important. So, I try to store it all.”

Chalk dust swirls in the fading sunlight.

“The space in my head to hold this information seems to be so very small – I wish I could transform this information – condense it or shorten it somehow; because I know that it’s important to fully capture key information in order to retain it. But I can’t do that. I cannot mentally suspend the lesson you’re teaching and manipulate it to fit in my head at the same time.”

A photocopier jams, lights blinking, sound stopping.

“So I close my eyes. I close my eyes because I’m really hoping I’ll be able to see what you’re saying in a way that will make sense to me. And I focus all my energy and attention on trying to see what you’ve just said – which renders me incapable of hearing what you are now saying. And as I’m doing this, I’m desperately scanning the inside of my head for some prior knowledge that may be stored in my long-term memory that, if linked to this new information I’ve just jammed into my head, will provide a context within which – everything will make sense. 

But the link is broken – the bridge has washed away, this new information is standing all alone inside my head, and your voice is swirling all around me with new words I can’t even hear because I’m so afraid that the words I’m holding will disappear. And then they do – they do disappear, because you snap my desk with a ruler to ‘wake me up’ – and the old words flee, and the new words scramble into my head ~ and they make even less sense than the last words did, because I’ve missed everything that went in-between. And you’re now mad at me, and I couldn’t hate myself more.”

The broom is put back in the closet. Trash bags are line up to be tied and tossed. A pencil rolls out of a desk and hits the floor.

“I am, at this point, incapable of permanently storing information, knowledge, skills and experiences in my head – which makes it impossible for me to retrieve them when called upon to do so. I am 9 years old and my processing memory does not work like everyone else’s. I’m seen as a behavioural issue because I always have to be told the same things over and over again. That’s how it looks to you. To me, every time you tell me is the first time – because only some of the words enter into my head, and they lack the stickiness to stay – and so they leave; the words leave my head before they’re transformed to a workable thought or idea – and even though I want nothing more than to learn like everyone else, I’m now known as Lazy and Inattentive.”

The school goes dark. The doors and windows are locked. The building is still.

“I’m sorry I called your classroom stupid.  I do want to come here every day. It is my head that is stupid. I’m sorry that you have to put up with me every day” ….

Sometimes, you just have to run screaming off the cliff ...

I wrote the words that follow in September 2008. I just read it again now and find that I'm back on that cliff-top once again.

Back then, I raced over the edge and, to my delight, ultimately found myself plunging into PNN.com  And here I now stand, on a plateau, pondering what to do next. I've created a new comfort zone for myself in the last 9 months - and I feel it's time to stretch the boundaries yet again.

Life's funny that way - its peaks and its valleys are forever fluid and one morning's plunge is another morning's leisurely float.

I've discovered that I do love to write ~ and I've proven that I'm capable of writing with Spirit. Now, I need to listen within and follow the next whisper that will direct my focus into what will be my next new comfort zone.

Self-reflection is such a valuable investment of time - I've noticed many of my fellow PNN bloggers sharing their self-assessments about varying aspects of their lives lately. Got me to realizing that it's time I step within and do the same.

You have all been an integral part of my growth over the last few months and I thank you profoundly for your comments and support. That's what I love about being here - the fact that we all bring out the very best in each other ... and we've found an environment where it's safe to be who we are, or who we think we are - depending on what stage of life we're experiencing at the time.

These words that follow launched my entry into blogging. I posted them on my Facebook Profile Page and was encouraged to write for a larger audience. And nine months later - here I am.

Where will I be nine months from now? Or better yet, in September 2009? How will I mark the one year anniversary of the day I decided to run screaming over the cliff - to discover talents I had not yet fully connected with, and yet, have brought me such joy?

And more importantly - will you still be with me, and where will we travel, together - for one thing I know for sure, I've grown roots here and it is knowing you're all around me that gives me the courage to even contemplate my next, big, jump ... I truly am the luckiest woman alive ...

Three summers ago, during my annual one week stay with my good friend Calabogie Sue, I abandoned fear and doubt on a cliff top ~ and ran screaming into a heart stopping descent ... feeling truly alive and happy as I resurfaced - exhilarated, proud and impressed with myself.

Calabogie Sue was right behind me - as she always is ... it was wonderful sharing this moment together. The fact that we raced past our comfort zones together, in full view of our children, made it all the more special.

The fact that our children completely missed the magic in that moment (they'd been jumping off the same cliff all afternoon) did not diminish its meaning one iota.

Why is this memory coming back to me so vividly right now? Because I have not done anything like that since. Because I have spent the majority of my life operating with excellence within the boundaries of my comfort zone. And because I'm now standing at a crossroads - realizing that there really isn't very much that is comfortable about a comfort zone ... except the illusion of safety it provides.

In the last month, I have reconnected with quite a few friends from high school via Facebook. How lucky am I to know so many people who have gone on and contributed so much wonder in this world over the last 25 years?

I know a famous writer in Australia, an occupational therapist in Hamilton, a software specialist in Manhattan, a school teacher in Georgetown, a musician in Vegas, a devout Broncos fan in Niagara Falls, a genius in Kingston ... and that's not all!

Every person in my friend's list is inspiring to me for very different reasons. (And if you'd like to know why I find you inspiring, please ask. I'd love to tell you.)

So here I am, standing at a crossroad - reflecting on which path to travel now ~ and I'm finding myself about to continue on down the road of Comfort and Security.

And yet, I can't help but think of all the people I knew in high school who have gone on to accomplish so much, and all the women I know who are giving so much of themselves ever day, and all the learning and wisdom and talent and experience I am about to keep lugging along, undetected, unshared, unchallenged.

And I realize that if I keep living small, if I keep operating with excellence within controlled boundaries and expectations ... then I'll have no choice but to accept that I impressed myself at the bottom of a cliff when I was 41 years old - and that, was that.

I have been sending out proposals all month to corporations to provide freelance services in the area of HR and Marketing Communications. I've been doing this for more than 20 years - I excel at it. And yet, getting an assignment no longer provides the rush of jumping off a cliff. I must face the fact that I'm hiding here - living small, as best as I can.

I'm a writer. I'm sending my proposals to the wrong places. I have no idea where to go with this clarity - but the truth is, my words heal, comfort, inspire, inform, lift and motivate. The thought of dedicating the next chapters of my life in this manner excites me.

So, here I am - so grateful to all of you who have helped me reach this place where standing still is simply no longer an option. I am a writer - a writer who no longer desires to live small.

And I know that as I run screaming off this cliff ~ I'll see more than Calabogie Sue when I resurface ... you'll all be there in some shape or form. And I thank you. I truly am the luckiest woman alive.

To all Writing Contest participants, from my heart ...

I've spent the last three hours reading the Writing Contest entries. I think I may be half way through. Gosh, there's a lot of talent here. So many styles, so many perspectives, so many voices and inflections and topics.

The reason it's taking me so long to get through them is because each one causes me to pause - and think, or reflect, or smile, or simply sit in awe at the author's ability to capture an emotion or a moment or an entire story so wonderfully.

Community members are experimenting with styles. Bloggers I've read previously in prose or informative pieces are sharing fiction and poetry. I've travelled back in time with two, reliving similar memories of my own as I journey through the creative expression of another.

My next uninterrupted block of time will see me going back and reading through more expressions of brilliance, skill and delight.

I'm not alone in my awe either. Some submissions have inspired impressive comment threads where readers get to interact with their responses to the piece - and the author gets to revel in the knowledge that their work touched someone ... and that it merited a discussion.

And yet, in spite of the immense display of talent bared for public perusal ~ there are relatively few votes. Why is that? Do we all have varied criteria for voting that makes getting a vote on a writing submission on par with actually getting an A+ on a report card?

I'm not judging or criticizing - I'm simply curious. Part of me suspects that it's an innocent act of not knowing that we can vote - or being so moved by what we've read that it fills our minds or hearts and there's no room to remember to vote. Or perhaps, once reading through the comment stream that follows a submission ~ the experience shifts from being an appreciative reader to being an active participant.

I am very generous with my Votes. As I don't feel I hold any sway whatsoever in the ultimate selection process ... I vote for the author. If an author puts their heart, their thoughts, their feelings, something of deep personal relevance into 1,000 words and posts it for others to read ~ they've got my vote.

If an author shifts my perspective on something, causes me to well up with tears or laugh out loud, takes me back in time, invites me into the rythm of their work - they've got my vote.

And if you've captured me with the raw brilliance of your talent, making me wish I could express myself like you or, at the very least, have the imagination to see the world like you - then you not only have my vote, but you also get a Star.

At the end of the day, I imagine the creator of the work I'm reading 'out there', somewhere behind my screen. I imagine the time it took to express the words, the courage to speak a truth, the imagination to create a scenario, the genious to leave an impression with only 1,000 words ~ and the Divine within me desires to honour the Divinity within you ...and I do this, with a Vote.

All the submissions I've read thus far have impressed me. I envy Katherine Center's writing talent, the fact that she's published two books and working on her third, her whimsical humour and her beautiful face.  But I do not envy her task to pick only one winner.

And so, from me to all of you participating in the contest ~ please hear my gratitude and applause for your brilliance and creativity, in my Vote.

What I really meant to say ...

“I hate you and I wish you weren’t my sister” is what flowed from her mouth. The words hit the room with the velocity of a fired paint ball and splattered everyone in its proximity.

There were three of them there at the time; three of them with lives to lead, three of them with a day to face, three of them with their own stuff going on inside.  Three of them now affected by the splattered pain that had resolutely attached itself to all in the room with considerable impact.

More words followed after that – none of them particularly memorable. They were offered up as noise to veil the elephant that now stood in the room. They all had somewhere they needed to be – and they did not desire the consequences of being late. They share a home, but they each have their own lives – and outbursts can be rendered inaudible when no one wants to address them.

The Angry One left first, saying good bye and walking away – the banging door announcing the finality of her departure.

The Targeted One left next with a light-hearted, “I’m leaving! Bye!”

The Saddened One looked at the clock, noted she’d be at least five minutes late, sighed deeply, found a smile and left the house, locking the door behind her.

The Energy in the room remained behind – and started to speak.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t hate you, in fact – I really wish I was you.”

“I’m glad you don’t hate me, I love that you’re my sister, why are you hurting so?”

“I’m fat. I hate that I’m always the biggest in the class. I hate that clothes don’t look as good on me as they do on you. We have swimming today – I hate the way I look in a bathing suit. I’m smart. I hate always being looked at as ‘the smart kid’. I hate that people always expect me to be right, and then argue with me at every chance because they hate it when someone is always right. I don’t seem to have any true friends. One minute they’re fun to be with and the next, they’re making fun of me or talking behind my back or ganging up on me for sport. I’m responsible. I hate that more is expected of me than is expected of you. I hate that I have to watch out for both of us so that Mom and Dad don’t get mad.”

An airplane flew overhead. The neighbour climbed into her car and pulled out of the driveway. The coffee maker shut off with a click.

“I wonder what it would be like to be you. I wonder what it would be like to think only of myself. To carry no burdens other than how I’ll fill my time, where I’ll meet my friends, whether or not Mom will give me any money because I’ve spent my allowance and I don’t earn any on my own. I wonder how it feels to be so naturally coordinated and athletic that every sport opportunity comes naturally to me and people want me on their team and I can play without the fear of looking stupid or screwing up. I wonder what it’s like to be loved merely because I exist and not because I’ve done something special or helpful or kind.”

Sunlight filters through the window blinds, showing dust and particles gently swirling in mid-air. The phone rings, three times – then stops, the caller automatically moved into voicemail.

“I go to bed at night and hope to wake up the next morning as you; in your bed, in your room, in your body, as you – no longer me. I hear the alarm go off and I’m afraid to open my eyes – because I might still be me, me having to endure another day, me having to be someone I don’t even like, me who has to work so hard to be appreciated and liked, included, respected.”

A text message alert sings its arrival on the cell phone inadvertently left behind. The refrigerator hums. Outside, children go by on their bicycles – sports trading cards fwapping in their wheels.

“I yelled about the laundry this morning. I act ungrateful and my accusations are often unfair. I know laundry is done every two days. I know laundry isn’t even the issue. I’m angry at myself because I bought clothes that didn’t fit, except for one pair of shorts – the shorts Mom bought me when she was out with you. I bought clothes that didn’t fit because I’m so tired of seeing L and XL on the labels when everyone else wears XS or S. I’m tired of being made fun of at sleepovers when my clothes are seen lying next to everyone else’s. I’m tired of being angry. And hurt. And unhappy. I hate being me.”

The clocks tick, the dog hurls herself at the sliding door – barking maniacally at a trespassing squirrel. The mailbox creaks open to hold the pamphlets and envelopes being deposited into it.

The front door opens. The groceries are brought in, then put away. Lunch is prepared and the table is set for two. Footsteps approach the house and the door is yanked open.

“I’m home!”

“Yay, you’re home! How was your morning?”

“Good.”

Swimming bag is dropped in the hall. Hands are washed. Chairs scrape across the floor, lunch is served.

“So,” napkins are opened, forks are lifted. “Did you do the laundry yet?”

Words can change a life

(The following is purely fiction – except for the parts that are true.)

“Why do you always say that,” Allison demanded, “you speak of words as though they are real.  They’re not real – they’re merely a series of letters strung together to formulate meaning so people can communicate with each other!”

I looked at my youngest daughter, remembering the exact moment I experienced the reality of the statement that has infuriated her so.  It was a pivotal moment for me then ~ the moment when I realized that my experience as a parent was completely up to me.  I could parent with joy, with love, with patience and with gratitude – or I could parent under the ever-increasing weight of fatigue, thanklessness, solitude and frustration.  How I ever chose the latter as an option was beyond me, unless – of course – you consider my desire to be accepted, to fit in and to buy into the hype that surrounded me.

“WORDS DO NOT HAVE POWER,” Allison continued, “People have power, weapons have power, thoughts have power but WORDS. DO. NOT. HAVE. POWER!”

How do you share wisdom with an angry, young teen?  Did I even have a hope of expressing my feelings with her while she’s raging like this?  I took a moment to glance out the kitchen window.  I knew the answer wasn’t out there, but it was so much easier to think with the encouragement of fluttering leaves than it was facing this very angry child.

“Words wield tremendous power,” I began, “with words you can build and you can also destroy.  Words can hurt, and they can heal.  Words, when properly chosen, can change a life.  When thoughtlessly shared, they can do irreparable damage.  I consider that pretty powerful.”

“Well,” Allison rebutted, “I wish you wouldn’t always use your words to support everyone but me!”  And with that, she was gone – retreating to the dining room table, likely to create a cryptically clever Facebook profile post about how mean or dumb or frustrating her mother is.

I finished stirring my tea, removed the tea bag and slowly drifted back in time.  My ‘pivotal moment’ happened 13 years ago – and yet, I remember every detail like it just happened that morning.  Life lessons are like that I guess, impenetrable to the effects of diminished memory and the busyness of life.  Thank goodness really, for if I could not call upon the moment when my heart cracked wide open with love and appreciation for the gifts I’d been given, there would be precious little to hold me here in contentious times.

I remember initially feeling nervous and unsure when I discovered I was pregnant with Allison.  Her older sister, Brianne, was only eight months old.  Was it fair to bring a sibling into the family so soon, for either child?  Could we love a second child as much as we loved Brianne?  We didn’t spend too much time dwelling on these questions because the fact of the matter was, in nine months – we would be the parents of two children, and we’d find a way to make it work, and we’d love them both with all our hearts.

In time, I established a workable routine with my two children under two – and Brianne, Allison and I soon ventured out of the house every day together.  We went for walks to the park, we ventured over to the mall to visit the library (there was a café in the mall and enjoying an afternoon coffee while the girls watched people walk by was truly a treat) and, to the best of my ability, we ran errands to keep the cupboards and fridge stocked with the necessities of life.

We were never invisible.  Between the beauty of my daughters and the originality of the double stroller we used – people noticed us wherever we went. 

I was so grateful to have found a used, British, stroller while still pregnant with Allison.  It had a bassinette on the left, and a canvas seat on the right.  The bassinette could be removed and replaced with another canvas seat once Allison was old enough to sit up on her own without fear of tumbling out.  The tricky part was, the stroller was the exact width of two retail doors when they’re held open.  And when they’re not held open, and they seldom ever were, getting through them was an episode unto itself.  It never ceased to amaze me how many people would make disparaging comments about me as I struggled to fit my daughters, the stroller and myself sideways (wheels don’t roll sideways, by the way, so I was lifting the stroller) through the door without tipping a child out onto her face. 

Everywhere we went, people would ask if you were twins.  And upon discovering your proximity in age, they’d exclaim something to the effect of, “Two children under two? You must be exhausted! How do you manage it?”

It was not long before I accepted that identity and lived it to the fullest.  Poor, exhausted, burdened mother of two under two.  Who works harder than me?  It’s amazing we even leave the house at all!

Until the day everything changed. 

My poor, beleaguered self was pushing a grocery cart half-full of groceries, with Brianne in the back and Allison in the front through the doors of our local grocery store when the inevitable comment was made, “Oooh!  Your children are adorable!  How old are they?”  I adopted the face I now wore when asked this question, the one that shows a depleted mother doing her best to survive with two children under two, “3 months old and 21 months old” I valiantly responded.

The elderly woman looked at me with eyes alight, I mean – really looked at me, and exclaimed, “How lucky you are!” 

Four simple words – and they changed my life forever.  How lucky I was.  How very lucky I am …

Simple pleasures ...

I was recently asked "What simple pleasure puts a genuine smile on your face--or joy in your heart?"

So much came to mind. And I've been in a 'happy place' all day as a result.

I like being the first one up in the morning and having the silence all to myself - knowing that everyone is safe here at home, sleeping.

I like working at the kitchen table and seeing the sun slash through the sliding glass doors at the back of the house ~ warming the room with its light.

I like the sound of the girls getting along with each other, laughing or singing or just enjoying something together.

I love the sound of my husband's car pulling into the driveway.

I like to sit outside and listen to the wind blow. With a coffee in the morning - with a glass of wine in the evening. Not at all in the Winter. Sigh.

I like the sound of children laughing - and singing.

I like the sound of my email alert when it indicates a good friend has sent me a message. Or, a paying client.

I love the smell of the laundry being done, turkey being cooked in the oven, the hiss of the iron on the last patch of the final shirt, and lighting candles at the end of a house cleaning spree.

When you get right down to it - Simplicity is really a misnomer. On the one hand, it is basic -- and on the other hand, it provides so much joy and pleasure ... it almost lifts itself to another realm completely.

So now, I ask you -- What simple pleasure puts a genuine smile on your face--or joy in your heart?

Think about it, feel it in your very being ~ and if you feel moved to leave me a comment telling me what it is ... I'll be thrilled and most grateful.

PS: Having something to look forward to is a HUGE heart lifter ... I'm counting down the days for you East Coast High Heel Society!

Everyone should have a support network.

Imagine how wonderful life would be if we all had all the answers all the time.

Any time someone asked you a question beginning with "Who, What, When, Where or Why ..." -- you'd know.

When asked something beginning with "How ..." -- you'd know!

No question would be too hard, no issue too large, no struggle so complex. Just imagine.

The Internet has really helped those of us who take data mining seriously. You can find out just about anything at all online.

Mind you, you'd need to be a critical thinker that questions the source of the information, the purpose for sharing it, the validity of its message and the date it was posted. Real data miners don't have a problem with all that ... though casual surfers often do.

Why do we feel we need to come up with all the answers on our own? And for those who don't mind asking others questions -- do you ask questions in all realms of your life ... or just the ones you want people to know about?

For instance, if your child struggles with a learning disability of some kind - and you've never experienced this before in your whole family history ... do you openly seek advice, guidance and assistance from others - to gain from their experience and to add to yours? Or do you keep it to yourself because part of you might be afraid you'll be judged for having a child that learns differently?

What if you experience physical symptoms that are somewhat new to you? Do you ask people if they experience them too? Or do you keep it to yourself because you're either afraid to be judged for the illness you may or may not have ... or you're afraid to find out it is, indeed, something to worry about?

The Internet is an incredibly powerful information tool. The thing about it is - your effectiveness in resource finding is generally in direct proportion to your ability to type the right Key Words into a search engine. And if you don't know specifically what you're dealing with ... good luck defining the right key words.

So this is where the value of a network comes in. Chances are, somewhere out there -- whatever you're facing is new to you, but not to them. Someone out there may have 'been there, done that'. Someone else may be 'going through that very same thing right now'. And someone else may be just about to face the same situation and not have a clue what to do first.

So, you help each other. You share what worked for you and what didn't. This allows the person seeking the information to be more efficient in resolution finding. They can avoid all the things that will slow them down.

You share what you like about what you did and what you would do better if faced with the same dilemma again. This provides alternatives for the seeker - many of which they may not have even thought to consider.

You share support, encouragement and a sense of community that allows you to work towards solutions in an environment free from judgement and ridicule.

But this only comes about if you're brave enough to voice your need for information or support or encouragement in the first place.

Because if you're not, you render the network impotent.

And you struggle through your dilemma alone -- getting more and more frustrated at the search engine that continues to provide you with unhelpful information because it's not getting fed the right key words.

People are good and decent inside. When given the chance, most people are more than happy to help. And wise people only get that way through experience. And we all become wiser - when we are willing to share our experiences.

Everyone should have a supportive network and feel that they dwell in the safety and respect that is condusive to sharing, growing and caring.

Thank you so much everyone for being one of mine ...

Writes of Passage: Answering Questions So Far

I'm going to number the collaborative-related posts going forward so community members can follow along if they happen to find their way here down the road.  This is the second post since the concept was announced. The original post with the next step details can be found by clicking here.

This update attempts to answer the questions that have been posed so far.

1. Can you give us a hyperlink where we can submit our nominated blog posts?  I'm thinking we should use the Group we've created as the holding place for nominations and updates. The group's name is The Write Stuff and you can access it by clicking here.

When you join The Write Stuff group, you can direct posts you write to be sent to all members of The Write Stuff. (So make sure you join The Write Stuff so you can receive updates - and note the site's location so you can check in every now and then to see the nominations.)

When you're writing a blog post, you'll note a bar called Post to group: beside the Cancel and Post buttons at the bottom of your Add a New Text Box window.  Select The Write Stuff from the "Post To Group"s drop down menu before hitting Post and all members will receive your information in their Inboxes.

And if you're posting an article that relates to this Collaboration - select the Collaborate channel when given the list of options to choose from. That way, our efforts are all in one place.

2. I can't find freetobe, can you provide a link to that page? Before providing the link to freetobe's site - please note the disclaimer there. This information is being shared anonymously - and while I also think the information shared would make a wonderful addition to the collaborative effort - the writer may not be able to share it for personal reasons.  When you find the post you desire to nominate - please contact the writer and get her permission first.  free to be can be found by clicking here.

3. Do we have clearance to use 'Writes of Passage' as a title - has a title search been done? We can always use Writes of Passage as our working title to keep the concept clear and in focus ... and then select something more fitting when the book is compiled.  Sometimes the contents themselves will dictate the best title - and we can't possibly know what this is right now. If we can use Writes of Passage, great. And if not -- we'll simply come up with something better. (PS: Good thinking though - and thanks Diva for looking into it so quickly!)

4. Are we creating an e-book or an 'actual' book? Are we self-publishing or getting published? I'm not clear on this either. And I'll admit - I'm not sure I have the capacity to make a decision like this as I've never been published nor have I any experiencing in the realm of publishing. There are good arguments to be made for all four paths. If you have the skill set and/or contacts to manage this question and the process that will then follow ... please step forward and take leadership of this critical element of the project. I'm not competent to own this aspect - but will liaise with the individual(s) who take it on to ensure the group remains informed of what's happening.

5. What if we want to participate and our work is not nominated? We will do our very best to be as inclusive as possible. The individuals responsible for ultimately selecting the blog posts to be used from the nominations submitted will be using the original Vision and Goals as their evaluative measure. I suspect there will also be consideration given to ensure that there is a diversity and balance of material so that no one topic is more weighted than another. Remember, nominated posts will be featured in the book - and so will the women who nominated them. That gives interested participants two opportunities to be published in this particular collaborative.  The original vision and goals can be found by clicking here. Remember also that this PNN community is vast - and not everyone is interested in participating. That increases our odds of being included!

Feel free to ask more questions - and if you haven't joined The Write Stuff already, and you desire to be involved in this process somehow - go here and join!

PS: I created this post while listening to Celtic Women and Escala. Both groups produce the most beautiful sound ... I highly recommend them for times you feel the desire to immerse yourself in beauty and creative wonder.

Writes of Passage: The PNN Book Collaborative

*UPDATE* - THE QUESTIONS POSED IN THE COMMENT SECTION BELOW HAVE BEEN ADDRESSED IN A SEPARATE POST. CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW THE UPDATE.

I'm going to be bold and make a conceptual decision with regards to this collaborative book compilation.  I think if we don't pick one vision that encompasses all the goals but ensures a clear barometer for content inclusion -- we're at risk of being stuck forever.

I've spent the last two weeks reflecting on a vision that speaks both to the diversity of experience and voice represented within PNN as well as within women globally.

What do you think of Writes Of Passage?

A Rite of Passage is a ritual one goes through to move on to the next stage of life.  It can also be a ritual or ceremony signifying an event in a person's life indicative of a transition from one stage to another, as from adolescence to adulthood, for instance.

I've spent the last three months reading many blog posts here in this community - and we all have a 'growth' or 'struggle' or 'transition' story of some kind to share. The wisdom, healing and pain represented here spans the mental, emotional, physical, financial, spiritual and environmental.

And a unifying blessing that is consistently recognized throughout this blogging community is the strength and hope that comes from the support we're receiving from each other - and the compassionate and often loving acceptance for our stories that leads us to an ultimate belief in ourselves.

Imagine if we could embody this spirit of 'you're not alone' and 'you're perfect exactly as you are', and 'you're worthy, lovable and enough' amongst all women, everywhere?

Imagine the universal shift that would take place with this collective connection that nothing about us is too shameful or worthless to see the light of day ~ and that we each hold within us the power to ignite the dying embers of another, fanning their flames, stoking their fires until we all blaze with life in a dazzling display of kaleidoscopic wonder that warms and invites others to dance with us in the glow?

So - what do you think? Shall we share Writes Of Passage with the world?

An in keeping with the generous women we all have proven ourselves to be ~ let's nominate existing blog posts that have moved us in some way - either through its pain, its truth, its confusion/struggle, its connection to others or its ability to help us see the more humourous side of life, and the value of having a sense of humour and a willingness to be vulnerable as a means of establishing intimacy and connection? In essence, showcasing each other as opposed to showcasing ourselves - for the good of the collective whole?

If this is agreeable to the majority - I propose the following next steps:

1. Find the blog post(s) that still haunts you, or changed the way you see or think about something, or moved you to tears, or startled you with its truth and honesty and pain, or had you laugh right out loud.

2. Ask the person who wrote the blog post if they'd allow this post to be potentially published in a PNN Member Collaborative Book and provide them with a link to this post so they can get a better idea of the details.

3. Once you have the writer's permission - submit the link to the blog post to our group page with a brief explanation as to why you've nominated it to appear in Writes Of Passage.

4. The Volunteer Team who have stated a desire to serve as Editors will determine how many posts we'll ultimately use, and the best way to establish flow throughout the book. They'll also determine whether or not the Comment Stream that follows the post should be published as well.  (If this decision is made, then everyone in the comment stream will need to be contacted for their permission to have their comment published.)

5. The Volunteer Proofreaders will then ensure that the posts selected are print-ready.

6. The Volunteer Photographers will then be invited to see if any of the selected blog posts can be beautifully enahanced by their photographs. (Credit will be given for each photograph used.)

7. Once a workable draft is compiled ~ we'll finalize the book's title, perhaps include a sub-title, select a cover image, and then pass it on to the Volunteers who know something about publishing and marketing and media to tell us what to do next.

My Grand Vision: I see everyone who makes a nomination of a blog post that is selected sharing a brief bio of themselves and their pnn site links within the book too.

Perhaps you can share why you love this site, how it has helped/inspired/enlightened you and the benefits you continue to receive for being here. And I'd also love to include the reason you selected the blog post you ultimately nominated - how it affected you and how you think it will help/affect others who will ultimately read Writes Of Passage when it is published.

And remember, if there's a blog post in this community that still resonates within you today - for whatever reason (and it can be poetry or prose) - chances are, it'll resonate within someone else too.

Perhaps two parts to the book then, the first profiling the nominators/community members - the second, featuring the posts that changed us somehow and the women who wrote them.

For now, please leave me your thoughts/feelings about this concept.  If you have questions - don't be afraid to ask, chances are, this is far more clear inside my head than I've been able to express it on this page.

And if the consensus is to move forward -- let's start finding and submitting our blog post nominations after you have the author's permission to do so. (Remember, submit them to this link here - The Write Stuff - and join this group while you're there so you can stay up-to-date on what's going on throughout the process!

Blessings!

It's called Spiritual Exercise for a reason.

I gravitate to the spiritual - and I feel such a connection to the messages espoused within. On a 'good day', things flow quite well. I'm in sync with the Now, I accept that Change is opportunity just waiting to explode, I recognize that my outer reality reflects my inner thoughts, and I feel 'at one' with everyone - most of the time.

But every now and then, Life will present in ways that accentuate how far I still have to go on this Journey to enlightenment. I am too often forced to confront the fact that I only 'sometimes' embrace the notion that everything happens for a reason and that timing is Divine ... and sometimes, I still very much try to control my circumstances, my reality, my destiny.

I took a quiz once that was sent around by email. I think I've received it in my Inbox at least 10 times over the years ... I think it's even been attributed to Dr. Phil. I honestly can't remember too much about it - but one question has been engraved into my memory - and it is something to the affect of: How do you react when you are interrupted while doing something you are concentrating on?

This question is then followed by four or five options ranging from "LOVE the excuse to take a break" to "I pull out my gun and shoot the idiot". (I'm paraphrasing, of course - but you get the idea.)

While there is supposedly no right or wrong way to answer these questions -- I KNOW my answer is wrong wrong wrong. I'm not able to handle the flow of an interruption well. When I get the chance to focus on something, to actually lock in to the degree that only me and it exists ... I am beside myself with annoyance, frustration, anger, you name it when that flow is fractured for something that didn't REALLY require my attention at all.

And as long as I can feel like this - then I have a long way to go in the life lesson of embracing the Now - because the Now is all there is and I'm not meant to be doing anything other than what I'm doing right Now.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks -- because I've had a lot present itself to me at the same time ... and I find that there just doesn't seem to be the time or the space to sit with any one person or situation and devote to it the time, energy and focus required.

Frustration is getting me nowhere. It took me two weeks to realize that I kept responding the same way only to receive the same results. I believe I've been enacting the definition of insanity. That's not new for me either.

So this week - I'm trying something different. Every time I'm interrupted (and believe me, I'm getting lots of opportunities to practice this technique), I'm turning away from where my focus was - and I'm doing it without emotion - to fully 'see' what is requiring my attention now. And as I'm listening to whatever it was that felt it was necessary for me to stop what I was doing - I'm actively paying attention for what I might have missed if I'd responded as per usual (something along the lines of 'shooting the idiot').

I've been doing this for three days now. And I can't say I'm any more enlightened at this point -- but I can honestly admit that my stress levels have dropped. By opening myself up to the unexpected (and sometimes even unwelcomed) interruption - I am empowering myself to be the space that can hold the all of it ... rather than the powerless entity who flails about at the mercy of life's circumstances.

And in so doing, I have enjoyed countless smoothies with my daughters, I have seen a breath-taking sky with golden sun and amazing cloud formations, I have enjoyed a spur-of-the-moment sausage from a street vendor, and I have participated in conversations I might otherwise have missed ... to my ultimate detriment.

My To Do list is still longer than I'd like it to be at this point, the meal plan and groceries for the week are not creating and purchasing themselves ... and yet, I'm okay.

Breaking away from habitual responses is not an easy thing to do. Consciously choosing and consistently applying different reactions to 'same old' events can be unsettling and awkward. And sometimes, the new response may not work any better than the old one did. But I know I'm still better off for having tried.

At the end of the day, Life simply feels better when it is lived fully awake. Spiritual exercise can be very much the same as physical exercise ... sometimes there needs to be a little pain to realize some kind of gain. And the work out is always worth it in the end.

Drive by invitings ...

Woo Hoo - another Girl's Night Out has been announced! I still remember the last one like it was yesterday!

So many of us formed even closer connections through dedicated time to fun, frivolity and laughter. And we got to meet some awesome new members too.

As someone who is a little shy and easily intimidated (I've been working on improving my confidence and certainly accelerated the pace once I had children and needed to interact with others on a more frequent basis) - I'm wondering if an event like this might feel a bit intimidating to women who are relatively new here and have not yet had a chance to get to know us?

We are a welcoming group, and the camaraderie we enjoy is always open to more participants -- but if you're shy or new ... would you know that?

So I'm thinking - why don't we initiate a Drive By Inviting?

If you see someone here in the community that is new to you - private messge them or leave a comment on their site, and invite them to join in the fun tomorrow night! Or maybe we could all private message the people who Follow us (except for those you already know are coming to the party) and express a desire to see them at the Girl's Night Out!

We could put Hope You Can Make It in the subject line - and then we could put something like this in the message part: chitowngirl is hosting a Girl's Night Out on Thursday May 21st. I went to the last one and it was really fun. It's a great chance to meet new people and get to know moe familiar people a little better. It starts at 5:30pm (Pacific) / 8:30pm (EST) - the location will be posted on PNN's homepage right before the event. I really hope you can make it ~ it's time well spent! And then we can sign our names.

Sometimes a personal invitation makes all the difference to someone who really wants to do something but shyness holds them back.

What do you think? Shall we initiate Project Drive By Inviting?

PS: If you choose to do this, feel free to copy/paste the sample message into each private contact message you send. Or create your own -- either way, the end result will be the same ... the party will rock!

PPS: Maybe commenting on their site page is a better idea - I've noted many say that they love to get comments. We can just ajdust the message to fit ...

The Book Club Chat was great!

Many thanks to all who participated in our first PNN Book Club chat about  The Secret Life of Bees! If you weren't able to join us, you can find the discussion string here:

http://pnn.com/chat_messages

Thank you so much to Writergrrl and Comictragedy for helping me host this event. And Congratulations to DIVA for winning a prize for being the "Most Compelling Book Club Participant" of the night!!

Leigh generously donated Lavendar Infused Honey from Sonoma Valley, CA in keeping with the overall theme of the book. Thanks Leigh!

Thanks also to hannahbanana for agreeing to be the host location for the discussion about what book shall we read next? She's already creataed the post - please leave your book selections in her Comment Section and we'll vote on the next title. We can also agree on the next gathering date from there too.

If your book title gets selected as our next read - you get to host the Book Club gathering!

This group is open to anyone who is interested in participating. Please join the Sista Hood Book Club here so you always receive updates and emails. You don't have to participate every time - but joining the group keeps you in the loop.

Thanks again everyone. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and can't wait to do it again - as a participant!

Join us now for the Book Club gathering!!

*UPDATE*: Click here to enter the our first Book Club Gathering for The Secret Life of Bees!

It's Monday May 18th everyone! This is the day we'll be gathering for an online Book Club discussion about The Secret Life of Bees.

I offered to host this gathering as we all read a book I had suggested. Shall we do that going forward - have the person who introduces the book to the group host the discussion?

I've never participated in an online book discussion before - so Ive given thought to how this might work best. We've set aside an hour to gather and chat - to maximize this time together, would you be comfortable with this little bit of structure to ensure that there is a focus as well as time to 'hang out' and get to know each other better?

Here's a proposed Agenda - the parameters are elastic and flexible, and the structure is open for discussion.

Welcome and Hello: Perhaps we can spend the first five minutes or so announcing our arrival, introducing ourselves to the group and getting comfortable. I imagine people will be dropping in at various points during our time together ... shall we designate someone to ensure that new participants to the group are welcomed and recognized as they enter to ensure that everyone feels comfortable throughout? This way, discussion can continue and no one is ignored or feeling like they're going unnoticed. If you think this is a good idea, I invite someone to Volunteer for this role. *UPDATE* Writergrrrl has volunteered for this role - so everyone will be met by a cheery, smiley face!  Thank you Writergrrrl.

Time Keeping: With such a beautiful book to discuss and one hour set aside to do it - we'd benefit from someone serving as time keeper. This can be as simple as ensuring that discussion doesn't go too far off topic with the goal of covering all the questions/discussion topics possible in the time we have together. A friendly, "perhaps we should move on to the next question/topic" will suffice. I invite someone to Volunteer for this role. *UPDATE*: comictragedy has volunteered to take on this role - gives her a chance to practice those 'how to make friends and influence people' skills. Seriously though, I appreciate the help - thanks comictragedy!

Next Book Selection: Should we allot time near the end of the gathering to select our next book? I'm not sure if the online chat is the best forum for that ... I know I like to 'see' the book (its cover, the summary, etc.) before making  decision on whether or not it gets my vote. Maybe we can discuss a process for deciding near the end and then designate a place to post our choices ~ and select a book by the end of the week? Feel free to comment on this below and I'll make sure we address it before our book club gathering ends. *UPDATE*: A desire to discuss the next book selection has been expressed - so if you have a 'selection process' that might work - please note it below or bring your idea to the gathering!

Questions/Topics: I've drafted a few questions/topics to serve as a guideline for discussion. I'm not stuck to them, so if you'd prefer to discuss other aspects of the book - please say so below and I'll adjust the Questions/Topics list accordingly. I haven't listed much as I think we'll find the hour will fly be in seemingly no time at all.

I'm really looking forward to gatheirng with you all later today (Monday May 18th - 5:30pm Pacific; 8:30pm EST). This book club meeting is open to everyone interested in participating - and everyone interested in stopping by simply to observe.

To ensure you receive updates about ongoing Book Club ventures, please join our Sista Hood Book Club ... participation will always be optional, but at least you'll receive the updates and emails on an ogoing basis!

I will contact Leigh and find out how we actually get to the online forum ~ and I'll announce it once I know. *UPDATE*: Leigh will let us know how to get to the chat forum later today - the address will be posted for all to see.

Thank you once again to writergrrrl and comictragedy for helping out with tonight's gathering.  And if anyone would like to discuss something not listed below - please note that also. See you soon!

1. What did you like most about this book?

2. How did your experience with this book reflect your experience here at PNN?

3. What did you think of the concept of the Wailing Wall? Would we all benefit from something similar to cope with pain?

4. Who was the Queen Bee in this book?

5. On a scale of 1-5, how would you rate this book? And what criteria do you use to determine your rating?

Do you remember your first days here?

Do you remember when you entered/joined PNN for the first time? I joined in late February ~ and was relatively new to this type of thing. Posting blogs, sharing your life with 'strangers', building a site page - it was a little daunting.

I remember going through the Home Page and reading the blogs of people whose titles struck me in some way. And then reading the other blogs too.

I was struck by the calibre of writing and a little envious too. So many personalities and voices - so many ideas, so much information, so many topics of discussion.

It took me a few hours to create a page I was somewhat happy with. I looked at the other community members' sites to get an idea of how a page should look. I also spent considerable time going over the Help Notes that described the Tool Bar that held all the powers of publication.

I remember being in awe of Rosemary - clearly a woman of great intelligence writing about a subject I knew little about. I really wanted to post a comment on her page - and didn't for fear of looking stupid.

Laurie also drew me in yet sparked my inner insecurities with her fact-filled, necessary, health and well-being information. Again, I soooo wanted to leave a comment on her site but fear of having nothing worthwhile to say held me back.

I eventually uploaded a post of my own. I wondered if anyone would read it, or comment on it, or connect to it -- or even think it was good enough to be posted here.

Funny how we can sometimes get too caught up in the hope of fitting in and lose sight of bigger pictures.

I'll never forget the first comment I received - it was so EXCITING! It was gifted by chitowngirl and it was in response to a post called Speedbumps Are People Too. Of course, being the online newb that I was ... I had no idea what her comment meant - so now, in addition to finding effective ways to navigate the community and figuring out how to add images to my posts, and how to bring in text from Word -- I also had to find out what Twitter was and how it works and whether or not having my blog post linked on Twitter was a good thing. (What a crazy name ... I didn't know if I was being insulted or exhalted!)

I'll tell you what changed everything for me though ~ I found a writer that I loved. I looked forward to her posts and wished I could be more like her myself. One evening, as I neared the end of one of her posts - she gave a shout out to me. Me! Right there in amongst the charm and wisdom of this beautiful writer was my name! And not only that -- but she linked my name to my blog site so others could read me too!

I was overwhelmed - with joy, with gratitude, with disbelief ... and also with the mixed emotions of excitement and fear that came from the awareness that you can actually link text in your posts to other sites/locations -- and the frightening knowledge that I now had something else to figure out. I figured it out - you'll find that shining spirit here.

Within two weeks - I felt relatively secure in my technical skills to post, comment, add images, link text and navigate the site. I branched into Following people (I'm a self-professed Follow-a-holic and all-around sucker for emotive, vulnerable, humourous, smart writing), giving Stars, sending messages via Private Contact and loved every moment I spent immersing myself into this community.

I feel welcomed and accepted by people I would never have the nerve to approach in real life. Women who are superior to me in intellect, wit, humour, insight, likability, compassion, ingenuity, environmental awareness, spiritual awareness, resilience, courage and I could go on and on.

What I learned, though, is that in spite of our differences ~ we all love to receive Comments on our posts, we all like to feel welcomed and included, we all desire to learn and laugh and play - and we're not always as competent and capable as others give us credit for.

I admire women who can put themselves out there and ask for what they need, risk vulnerability to reach their goals, and stand confidently in who they are without letting fear or shyness get in there way.

This morning I saw a post from a new Community Member and again heard my inner voice say, "I wish I could be more like her". How much easier my first few days might have been if I'd been able to simply introduce myself and assume that I'd be included.

So, I'm wondering about your first week(s) with PNN. What might have made them easier for you? Were your challenges technically-related? (Is there anything even now that you wish you knew how to do?) Were you awed by the talent? Blown away by the friendliness and kindness?

I'll always remember my first days as "The Hopeful Yet Frustrating Journey of the Dweeb". How about you?

Blinded by the Write!

Please allow me to re-introduce myself. I am the PNN-head (pronounced pin-head) who stepped up as Collaboration Coordinator in the collaborative publishing venture many of us desire to embark upon.

I have resurfaced with a proposed idea and am now opening the Comment Box for discussion as to whether or not this is an acceptable way to move forward based on the agreed upon goals ~ and to gather other thoughts and input as alternatives upon which we can all ultimately vote.

I gave your comments a lot of thought since we originally discussed this possibility - and I've been pleasantly strolling through the PNN community observing all the different styles and topics and voices. My question to myself was this: How do we create something that reflects the all of us? We have so much to offer those we'd love to read us ... and our audience would be as diverse as we are.

So, first - here are the three goals that were almost unanimously selected as the platform from which we'll launch. When differences of opinion present themselves with regards to content or direction - we will use these three goals as sign posts to decision-making and next steps. That way, the group's vision will remain the essence of what is ultimately produced.

Our Goals:

1. To BE the spirit the world needs today.

2. To encourage other women to find wonder in vulnerability.

3. To increase the exposure/audience for our written expressions.

Dazzling Writes:  PNN is a community that is lit up from the inside-out with Dazzling Writes.

Whether we're sharing information, pain, joy, poetry, how-to's, photographs, laughs, music ... we're sharing - and we're discovering that we are not the only ones going through whatever we're going through at any given time.

Together, we truly do defy the 'soul-lessness' of the Internet. How awesome it would be if more life travellers knew that it is possible 'to fit' - regardless of age, opinion, personality, ethnicity, spiritual beliefs - there's a place for us all. It is safe to be vulnerable - in fact, allowing vulnerability in a safe place cracks the heart open for intimacy, trust, support, compassion, wisdom and fun too.

The Idea:  What if we called the Collaborative something like: Write-full Expressions.

And what if we played on Write/Right with sections like: The Write to Vent. The Write to Heal. The Write to Be More Environmentally Aware. The Write to Cooking/Nutrition on a Budget. The Write to Laugh. The Write to Parenting, The Write to Friendship, The Write to Debate, etc.?

And what if we submitted blog posts that we'd like to contribute in whatever section we're most comfortable working within? And then let our volunteer Editors and 'Marketers' determine how best to package a final result in a way that meets our goals and ensures that all interested participants have a voice?

Next Steps: We certainly don't need a title for the ultimate product right now -- that is probably one of our final steps ... who knows, we may even end up titling it something profound that we lift from a contributing blog post!

But as a concept: what do you think? And does it spark alternative ways of meeting the three goals while including as many voices as desire to be heard?

Join Our Book Club's Live Chat!

A group of us have read Sue Monk Kidd's The Secret Life of Bees. We did so because we desired to try and have an online book club gathering to share our respective view points, thoughts and feelings about the book - together.

We thought it would be exciting to host this first book club meeting using PNN's new, live, chat forum - allowing us to post our comments in 'real time' without inundating our email Inboxes with comments and having to refresh the page every few minutes to keep up with the conversation.

To ensure that everyone who's read the book has a chance to join us - the original date discussed has been moved ~ and our first, online, PNN book club gathering has been finalized for Monday May 18th at 5:30pm (Pacific Time) / 8:30pm (EST).

Please mark this date in your calendars! I apologize that this first meeting has taken so long to get off the ground. I think we'll probably get more efficient at this as we move forward.

Anyone who has ever read The Secret Life of Bees is most warmly invited to join our discussion.  And if you'd just like to stop by and see a book club discussion in process ~ please feel free to do so!

This is a first for me, and I'm really looking forward to it.

So once again, mark Monday May 18th in your calendars -- and join us at 5:30pm (Pacific) or 8:30pm (EST) for a live, chat forum discussion!

(I'll have to ask someone how we'll find this place - that will be posted in advance of the meeting though.)

Initial thoughts have been posted here -- and to officially join the Sista Hood Book Club - please click here and sign up! (The key benefit of joining the group is that you will receive all blog posts directed to the book club.)

See you all there, I hope!